Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

Na tunaomba waitaliano watusaidie

Gordo once told me : “Salim, I am sure the first thing a foreigner gets as soon as they land at the JKIA is a massive erection.”. “Why?”, I asked. So he continued: “If Kenya had a smell, it would be the smell of fresh fish. If Kenya has a national animal, it would be a big, fat, hairy pussy-cu-nt-cat.”. I became all patriotic and defensive like a Man U fan in her periods, but, he explained his point.

And I was enlightened.

I was at iHub the other day and could not help but overhear a conversation about : “The future of social media in Kinia and East Efrica”. By some Britons.

These Kenyans are so DUMB, we must hire foreigners to run their country. Also, Safaricom is hiring foreign. All the way from Voda. Yes, I know Bob Collymore refuted this on twira, but trust me, I know more truth that you can google.

We don’t even support football teams with Africans. We Love Man Urinals. Despite the fact that they NEVER EVER play Africans. Hata Ballboys.

It is sad, really.

I intended to post about this, earlier. Way Earlier, especially after My Favorite Non-pussy bloggeress (Wanjiku) had spoken about it. But Kach, the man who can’t even catch a flu, beat me to it. I, also, strangely, agree with My Respected CEO, even though he seems like he was asking us to be pussies. We need to use our blogs and social media positively. LIKE I am doing right now. Highlight what is wrong and not care what the pussy bloggers think.

We hate EVERYTHING that is Kenyan. Even the ICT Board itself can’t hold its conference in this filthy god-forsken country. The former colonialist must be laughing down at us from hell wherever they are. “Look, ma! All these stupid negros got was Virtual independence. Not mental. They still are SLAVES. Mentally. They worship the foreign.”

I mean, come on!! Am I missing something here? How do you sell Kenya to people who don’t even know where Kenya is? If they are so BIG, BUSY or Important to not come here, why not ask them to go suck a nipple? Then, to add insult to blue-balls, the event will be held at the prestigious Bellagio Centre. And we still have IDPs. Pathetic. Really. Forgive me, but I expect better. Can’t we for once get beyond personal comfort and ‘travels’ and ‘facebook pictures’ and DO SOMETHING with our high offices?

Back to code kabla nitukanane.

Wazi…

Nimesema! Jamini mkitaka.

I am getting lesser and lesser blogging times, but now that I have a few mins, I will use the chance to get a few things off my masculine chest.

Mwalimu

Last night I was really appalled and flabbergasted when Mwalimu Churchill left the Stage during the ‘Churchill Recorded’ show just to go and greet a Mlami with a hearty handshake.

“Acha nisalimie mzungu. How are you Sir. Thank you for coming!”. #wtf!!

As you all know, I am no racist, in any flavor, but I just HATE neo-colonialistic habits. Especially when they manifest themselves in people you term as ‘educated’ and ‘modern’.

The Annoying Kenyan habit of ‘White is Might’ is really something we need to shake off. We need to stop being unfair to our white friends and treat then as equals. Let us befriend them. Not worship them.

Same thing happened last week when I had gone to The Stanley for lunch. A white couple that came AFTER us got served BEFORE us. It is a habit, I am told. Despite the fact that they spent USD 10 and I spent USD 120, they still get better service, attention and wider smiles than I get. And No. I was not wearing my Arsenal shirt.

On Mpira

It really amazes beyond comprehension when a black man (mostly Sudanese Jamaas from Zimmerman) puts on an AON (Another Oblivious Nitwit) shirt and calls Man Urinals “My Team”. The source of “MY”, logically, comes from a sense of belonging. Arsenal, Chelski, Bolton, Wigan, WestBrom, Citeh, Inter, Real etc have one thing in common. They play African Players. These are OUR TEAMS.

Man Urinals has never played an African player since 2003. And if you ask most of the Manure fans around who that was, they won’t even know. Most started watching football in 2009.

80% of Man Urinals fans in Kenya are Single, lonely and ugly females. 10% are male strippers, watchmen, shoeshiners and VB coders. 1% are the I-know-nothing-about-soccer-so-i-will-follow-the-crowd cartel. The rest are gay.

Women

Moving on, I am no expert when it comes to the intricacies of the fairer sex, but I know a few things for a fact.

• Treat a woman like a queen and she will treat you like a King.
• Treat a bitch like a queen and she will treat you like a slave.
• A woman just needs good care, companionship, security, good sex, compliments and an occasional pair of shoes. And she will be yours for life.

So, there. guys, get a job. (Or learn C++ and do a QT App.) Treat your woman right. And you will soon stop texting Salim asking him who he is to your gal. Or if he has formatted her Drive C.

Safaricom

Safaricom is finally playing ball. Coders have NO MORE excuses to not be Kompressing and just daily be stressing and depressing. More on this in Monday’s blog post.

Back to code…

Wazi.

Yes. All. Everything

My favorite movie niche is the classic save-human-race movies with wizards and arrows and swords e.g. LoTR, Conan, The Littles Hobbit, Dragon Wars etc. That notwithstanding, I am a big fan of extreme-action movies. Especially Scifis.

I vividly remember this conversation from the Alien vs Predator [Whoever wins.. we lose] movie [Alexa and Adele are in a just-formed cave whose mysterious appearance they are investigating. It was just a scientist fact-finding mission, BUT Adele had a gun.].

Alexa: “Seven seasons on the ice, and I’ve never seen a gun save someone’s life.”
Adele: “I don’t plan on using it.”
Alexa: “Then why bring it?”
Adele: “Same principle as a condom. I’d rather have one and not need it, than need it and not have one.”

And this convo always males my day.

So, with time, this became my age-old mantra. But I related it to knowledge. #sipendiSex

When it comes to knowledge, In the modern time and era, it is far much better and more rewarding to be a Jack of all trades and a master of a few, if any, than to be a jack of nothing and master of one.

As an entrepreneur, thence cometh the dilemma. Do you specialize in a few and be a master of them, or do you learn bits about most of the lot? After the dilemma, thence cometh the question. Specialize in a few ‘what’. You want to code, thus a few languages, Do you want to be a DBA, hence a few Databases. Do you want to be a hacker, hence a few tools, tricks and methods? etc?

Personally, I believe (being trained as a coder who can hack and manage databases as well as configure networks, servers and routers. ) one needs to be an TechnoSlut to be able to survive as a budding or maturing outfit. As a techie, you need to know a little about everything. When it comes to getting things done, you can now confidently recruit and VET for the best candidates for what you need, or learn more. Hiring is always better. But you can’t personally hire the best unless you know WHAT to look for, and what they should know.

A newspaper plant general manager must know how to source for the best paper. What the best printers are. What the best content (day-based) is. What the best distribution models would be. What the best revenue streams are. A little bit of everything. Better know it and never use the knowledge, than be in need of the knowledge and be ignorant.

This presents a problem, however. How do you learn about everything, albeit bits, and still be productive.

My way – The big-picture-mode:

You need to decide on a big project. Do your own twitter or mPesa. Am mPesa clone for example, will force you to do the following:

• N-tier programming.
• Databases (Optimization, Redundancy, High-Availability)
• Programming (Concurrent Multi-threaded, load-balanced)
• Interfaces (STK, Web Technologies [Ajax, PHP/C#, SSL, Your own CA])
• Learn ISO8583 (for ATMs and POS).
• Reporting – Accounting, isolated reporting, end-user customization.
• Tools : Apache/IIS (whince), PHP/C# (.NET), memCached.

So, clearly, challenging yourself to re-do an existing BIG SYSTEM has many benefits as it throws you to the deep-end of technology. It took me about 3 months to develop an mPesa clone, but the time spent is wayyyy well worth it. You see development from a new level. Am eagle’s eye-view.

Back to code…

Wazi.

5 reasons they suck! or don't...

Well, we live in a society where multiple personalities is the order (or disorder) of the day.

Everyone is unique, special and here for a purpose; just like everyone else.

But some few habits I have noticed are very annoying (degree varying in intent, situation and previous perception of the person).

The following are my top 5 Beef-Points with Kenyan Chics:

1 – The ‘Kila Dame ni Msupuu’ Myth

The good book states that we are all ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’. At least 3 out of every 7 Kenyan chics conform to the ‘wonderfully made’ category. These females are hot, nice, cute and THEY KNOW IT. The rest fall in the ‘fearfully made’ category. Like I noted in my blog-post about Ugandan Women, if the user interfaces (mostly the front-end) of this second category of Kenyan and Ugandan gals were to be compared, Ugandan Chics would be the Mac. Kenyan women are MS-DOS. DOS version 1. Then again, there is NO COMPE in the back-end. Ugandan women all have a nice and BIG future behind them.

And the worst thing that will happen is getting to a Matt or club and sitting next to this second category. Dame amechapa utadhani ni mChapanese. Then you talk to her. Just saying Hi. Just being kind to the unfortunate. To the beautilly challenged. Then she gives you attitude. FFFCUKKK off!!

2 – The ‘Wazungu wana Doo’ Myth

It is said that Black people are the most racist people on earth. They don’t like white people, black people or even pink people. We all know this. Plotless chics love accents. A ka-pointii or muhindi could be reeking of the ‘this-week-sijaoga’ cologne they like to paka but he will still get the first-mover-advantage on the chics. I know of a white jamaa who was being used by the thugs at Changes in westlands to steal from hot gals. Gals like and immediately trust the skin-color.

Not wazungus alone. Foreigners in General. Today’s Zuqka page 14 had a story of a Kenyan Chic who is ‘madly in love’ with a deaf guy from Burundi. Just because he is not Kenyan. My gawd!!

3 – The ‘Nitatulia Nikiolewa’ Habit

I know. There is nothing worse than inviting your campus friends to your wedding and they all smile after seeing who you are marrying. “Huyo dame ako sawa. Umeget wife mpoa.”, a ‘friend’ will tell you. He vividly remembers all the after-rave shagathons they used to have back in campus. How she would preemptively multi-suck 5-6 jamaas at Mamlaka. And then he looks at Pato, Kis, Mette, Msagha, Kabwili and Knoxx. And they all smile. They have all configured all her ports. And they know she is still giving them guest access.

“Manze hii si second-hand mzee, ni 36th-hand.”, a REAL friend will tell you. She is not the ‘road-less-travelled’ like you thought. She is like an CDN. Multi-user. Freeware. But she has you hooked. She is a signatory in your accounts. She has your baby. Jibambe.

4 – The ‘huyu msee ni ATM’ type

Yeah. We all know this type. Broke-ass chics trying to live large. Or maybe not necessarily broke. But there to milk you. From the first day you meet, she makes it clear. “You must take me out, for me to take you in”. And she won’t to go Bettys. It is too cheap. Full of common people.

My buddies who have been unfortunate enough to meet this type tell tales of how they immediately become commercial. I need a new phone. I need tampons. I need credo. Whatever happened to the Independent women we, ohh, so adore!!?

5 – The ‘sipendi machali coz my Ex did this and that to me’ type

No. I am not talking about lesbians. I got no beef with them. I love lesbians. I have a lot of lesbian friends. Yeah. I am talking about these sick, sad, little people who will categorize and profile you based on their past relationships. She will not go out with you coz ‘utamuacha kwa club’ just like her former broke-ass Ex did. She will not BELIEVE a single sweet word you tell her because her ex ‘used to tell her that too’. Fuck you!! This really makes by blood boil!

I just genuinely want to be a friend, but we CAN’T BE because ‘my ex told me that too and we ended up fucking’. Bitch! Grow up. Give a brother a chance and maybe he will show you what a REAL man is like. And help you erase all those memories of your loser ex-toyfriend.

#nimeponaSasa.

Back to code.

Wazi.