There is a new business that is proving a success in recent times in Kenya. Online WhoreVertising. This is the Total loss of any ounce of Dignity to make sure you get some few losers to open your site and, hopefully, click on some Ads. Then get paid by the buggy Ad Systems we have.
Allow me to address you as an Idiot for a while. Assuming you are not. I will address you in the first-person’s perspective, my nitwit reader, so read-along.
Here is a little guide I have put up, after analyzing the master of ‘NyumaYaMonitorMimiNiMkaliKamaNacet’. You too, despite your lack of brains, can make some few coins online. It is being done now, you won’t be the first one to do it. Join the brainless faggots and make some Money!
Part 1 – Register a Domain
The good news is that among the negative effects of the Internet is that any pea-brained nitwit with the IQ of a retarded retard, like you, can register a domain. Also you now are allowed to call it ANY name, including a name with big words like Intelligent, Brain, Tech, Buzz etc and install WordPress. So, instead of a name like IamACuntAndALoserAndSoINeedToInsultEveryoneElseSoThatICanFeelGoodAboutMyself.com, you just need to register something like TechnoVillage.com or something close. All in an hour. And Bam! You are online. Hosting is allover and cheap.
Part 2 – Content
Then comes the need to eat. The Internet is slowly becoming idiot-proof. Then with the monetizing avenues like AdWords, BuzzCity and Admob comes the challenge: “How does a brainless loser like you get traffic to their site?”. Obviously, I know you cannot write anything from your own stupid brain. So do this. *drum-rolls*…
Copy-Paste things from other sites. We don’t know the Internet addresses for pages like TechCrunch, YahooNews, Reuters, Nation Etc. We rely on you. So Copy-paste from there and put these on your site. They you will have a ‘busy’ and ‘frequently updated’ site. Idiots will think you know so much! Don’t forget to Claim authorship and ownership of some of the articles. Steal photos from simple google searches and claim that you took them. Post each article under a different alter-ego username. Create an illusion of ‘We have many writers. We are big.’. Who knows, Microsoft will even term you an IT consultant.
When it comes to local content, make up numbers and facts. Make every single noble effort to make people’s life better seem like a personal attack to all Kenyans. Accuse all these bloody foreigners of coming here and ripping us off. Don’t worry if the ICT Board, Safaricom, Nokia, Symbiotic, iHub, mLab, NaiLab etc blacklist you for being a male-pussy. Blog on!! Fuck the millions you can make if you had a brain to be on the right side of the right people. Step on their toes. Your 50k per month Salo is enough.
If you are blogging about someone, claim to have met them and talked to them. Quote events you have been to recently to add credibility. It does not matter even they have never seen/met you in their lives. Do some simple google searches and claim to have got that data from ‘the person’. Write trash and sensational ‘facts’ about them. No one likes the truth. No idiot anyway.
Ocassionally, [As someone here has advised me to add], hire some people to pose for photos doing ‘something strange’. e.g. Having sex in a Public Garden. Eating rats. Coding in VB etc. 200 bob each. Promise them fame. Don’t worry even if they are just some village losers who will look straight at the camera and not ‘fake it’ to make it look more real. Use them. Anything. Be Sensational.
Part 3 – Evangelize your site
Ok. This becomes tricky. No one googles ‘Trash about fictitious events’ or ‘Notes from an idiot’. So How do you get people to your site? You have stolen and made-up content. You have all the ‘facts’ about some significant people. What next?
Yes. Traffic. Can an Idiot like you even spell traffic. No? Ok, twendelee. Now go to Twitter. Create 8 Accounts. Go to Gmail, Yahoo and MSN. Create 5 accounts on each of the network. On each Twitter account follow different people. Rake in like 4000 follows per account. Including fellow spammers. For each of your 4-6 Stolen and Copy-Pasted articles everyday, Twit something like “Interesting Article : Facebook does this and that – TechnoVillage.com/yadda/fb_does_this_and_that/ – RT”. Idiots will rewteet. Do this for each account. It will create the impression that alot of people are reading your blog. And you get… TRAFFIC!!!
“Then, what about comments?”, you ask. You have 21 Email Accounts, Idiot! Comment from all of them. Create the impression that people actually read your stuff. Argue, insult and ‘discuss’ amongst the accounts.
In your spare time, don’t forget to insult more people. Make it one person per day. 50 paragraphs of A-lie. Don’t worry, you get Traffic. Nothing else matters. No need for networks, friends, business partners, buddies. Live alone and die Sad. Why? Coz you are a fucking nitwit.
Back to code…