Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

You decide. The rest is noise.

And here we are, little boys and littler gals. Big boys and big gals. My friends and friendettes. My haters and haterettes. My wannabes and wannabettes.

7 days to end of 2011. My personal success-rate is 45%.

For every 10 things I was involved in, 4 failed. 3 worked 100% and the other 3 are either ongoing or postponed, but not failed.

In each failure, each disappointment, each postponement, I made sure I got a lesson from it. Ofcourse, I could be all Kenyan and be like “Mungu hanipendi” or “Hii no sababu ya Arsenal” or “This happens to everyone” or ‘These deals ni za watu wana connections” or “Ni hawa clients washenzi sana” or any of the 72 commonly-used Kenyan excuses for failing. Alternatively, I could ask myself : “Where did I fail?”. And it is in this question that I found the best answers.

Accepting responsibility. The project failed because of ME. My laziness. My postponing. My lack of focus. Not the delayed payment. Not Safaricom. Not power. Not lack of hot water in the shower. Not that mosquito. Me. And that brings us to lesson 1.

Blame yourself {“always” | “most of the time”}

Always. This will make you push yourself further. Make sure your work is done. And a huge chuck of theirs. I found myself in a project where we were 8 people, working in 3 teams. My team had 2 people. We made sure our work was done. But had nothing to show, still, because our chunk was 40% of the project.

What to do? Wait for teams B and C to finish, lazily and un-interested like they were, or do THEIR part for the common good. We chose the later. We did work for A, B and C. Project worked like a charm. Teams B and C were praised and paid for their part. Me and my team-mate just smiled. But the project was delivered. That is what mattered.

It is easy to say, “tumemaliza part yetu, ni hao wamebaki”. Makes you feel good and fast. These other teams are the weak links. BUT to the project and the client, 40% is not 100%. The client wants 100%. Who did it is irrelevant. Internal team wrangles and delays should be hidden from the client. Blame yourself, even if you are not to blame.

Achana na ball

I remember going to Unix-Guru Kelly’s lair with my Old Dual-Core 4 GB Ram laptop. It had an Arsenal sticker next to the Keyboard. Nice and sleek. “Toa hiyo sticker Salim”, he ordered. I started thinking: “Well, this is Kelly, and I worship him as far as Unix/Linux is concerned. But who the hell does he to think he is, to tell me to remove the Arsenal sticker? My beloved Arsenal.”

“You don’t know how many deals umenyimwa, after a good demo and presentation, just because of that sticker.”, he said. I was enlightened. Arsenal si yetu. It is just a weekend hobby.

Well, call it whatever your silly brain feels like. My team, My identity. This is what/who I am. All that bullshit. But as soon as your wise/business brain wakes up, you will realize that MAYBE, just MAYBE, it was that silly football tweet on Sunday, that made your not get ONE signature on your contract.

For employed people and pussies who do  not use their real names or avis on twitter, this is not an issue. But for a brand and a hustler, it is a BIG issue. Insult Arsenal/Man U/Chelsea once and you will keep wondering why hamshindi grants, why ile contract hai-signiwi. Why kindergarten-code Company X got the deal, and you did not. It is fun to tweet and have a few followers retweet. But the ramifications are far-reaching.

Leave the Dog-fight to the Dogs

It was on a cold Saturday night. I was with Buju driving from Rongai, back to Zimmerman. I received a call from someone who Identified themselves as Robert. He stated that the Rwandese Government was hiring Hackers from Kenya to hack anti-government websites and wanted to know if I was interested. I respectfully declined.

Little did I know that I had created an enemy, by practicing my  right to say NO. The rest is history. Tweets. Blog posts. Matusi. Etc.

And you will notice. Anytime I meet a pest on twitter, arguing about ball, Mac vs PC, Gals vs Vaseline etc, I always let them win, unless we are talking FACTS and NUMBERS. Some people are programmed that once you toa ONE point, they immediately result to insults and get all personal.

I let the dogs do the dog-fight. I am too elite for that. I am Salim.

Clean up as FAST as possible. Make your plate empty.

Out of every 3 small-money and boring projects that I did, I was passed by one BIG and Lucrative project. Lucrative and rewarding in terms of money, exposure, purpose and intellectual challenge.

It is a very sad thing to look at a project, know it will take 4 days of focus to finalize, you tell the client it will take 4 weeks, and then 2 months later, there are some unfinished bits of that system. I will not get into why this happens and how to solve it. It is well talked about here.

Lesson: Give the project the respect it deserves and FINISH it. It will give you the time you need to do the others. Again, if you are GOOD enough, alot of projects will come to you. Don’t assume a project will do itself. get in there and FINISH it.

Only you can do it

This fact cannot be over-emphasized. Only you can decide whether you fail or succeed. Simple as.

I failed in my application for membership at the iHub, and so I will not be going there anymore. Ofcourse, this has pros and cons, but I believe what I will miss in on-site presence will be over-shadowed by what I will gain in productivity. This is a good thing, I think.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Tuko down wasee. ki IT.

Kubalini na hiyo stori iishe, so that we can move on and ameliorate our locus standi.

Haki, why lie? Tuko down kama BJ ya CD. Kaa dance-floor ya Rezorous. Kama mixing ya DJ Joe Mfalme. Acha nisiendelee na examples niambiwe nimetukanana.

Some people I know wamekubali, and working hard to fix this. Some people I know bado wana skills za Adebayor, but wanadhani hao world-class striker.

Cheki. The IT profession is being taken as a con. Projects haziishi. I have been in this situation before. So, I asked myself, “Salim, what is the problem? Is it the money? Is it distractions? Is it skill-level?”. Na sasa I have compiled a list of things we need to do in 2012, to COMMAND some RESPECT in this modafoka.

It is about time all this bullshiite stopped. Na I, personally,  will be a MAJOR player in 2012 in this course.

Hizi ndizo issues.

Psyche/Ability vs Capacity issues: The top, top coders are few. The versatiles ones (msee mnoma graphics + Code + Servers + Networking) are even fewer. So, this types  get ALOT of jobs. The end-product? NONE of the jobs get finished.

Why? Here is why. A project has 3 parts. The easy bit (wireframes, configs), the interesting and challenging (code, DB, unit-tests) bit na the fuckin-boring bit (UAT, training and documentation). Most projects reach a phase where it just BORES the coder. The money is never an issue. Hata kama unalipa msee 200k per week, bado atafika place ashindwe kumaliza. Unakuta project 1 and 2 zimefika boring-phase (i.e. 70% done) na msee ameanza project 3.

Projects zinakuwa kama madem. Wakati project one inanyesha (reaches boring phase), unaanza na 2. The 2 inakuwa tamu sana. Unalenga one. Client ameanza ku-call? But 2 inakusugua poa. One inaanza kupata software-rot. Hata ushasahau what you were coding. Thought process isha-lost. Ukiirudia ni kama unaanza tena.

Solution: Learn the skills on how to finish a BORING project. (or at least the boring bits). Here are some pointers:

• http://learningfundamentals.com.au/blog/5-ways-to-motivate-yourself-to-study-a-boring-subject-andor-complete-a-project/
• http://37signals.com/svn/posts/2623-how-do-you-keep-up-interest-in-a-programming-project
• http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?ProgrammingIsNotFun
• http://www.benchfly.com/blog/am-i-stuck-with-this-boring-project/

Tunaweza na tutafanya vs Tumefanya issues: A client talks through a problem and you can already see the solution. An overview by the client, only gives birth to an overview by the developer. But the devil and all his 72 sluts are in the details. A simple project becomes a night-mare when that SMALL item that you thought uta-google, returns ZERO results and, to the client, is the BACKBONE of the system.

Solution: The assumption that all we need to do is WIN the project quote and we will get a coder to do that, should always be frowned upon. If you have NEVER done a system before for fun, chances are that you will NOT be able to do it for money. Experiment alot with ALL the things a language can do.

Java? Use regexes, XML, RMI, RPC, Hibernate, Spring, J2ME, Android. Experiment. Experiment. Experiment.

PHP? Do OO. Do classes. Do ORM. Do MemCached. Do Regexes. Try Curl, not fopen(url). Try Mysql and Postgres. Experiment. Experiment. Experiment.

So that when the time comes, Umefanya. Si Utafanya.

Mobile vs Web issues: We all know that Manual na Auto driving are different. Any gal worth her salt will tell you that kidole si ulimi. Any investment broker will tell you that shares are not bonds. And that is what we need to respect.

The challenge here is to get deep. Don’t beat around her bushes. Get in there. Know it deep. Kama unafanya Android, understand simple things like the 20-small–individual-image-files vs one-big-image-file network/phone IO considerations. Understand simple technologies like XML, JSON etc. Don’t just re-use googleCode, challenge yourself beyond the project scope. Beyond the money.

Learn to be good. Super good! Always criticize yourself. Not just good enough to finish a project and get paid and laid.

Do a FULL project bila googling or using the manual. Ask a coder you know is good for a copy of their pet projects. Read their code and make love to it. Understand it. Feel it. Know it. Don’t cram it. Challenge yourself to Reiwrite it. That is the ONLY way ya kuwa mnoma.

Expectations:

These done, then we can finally call ourselves “wanoma”. We are super-good, we can code bila googling, we have ‘faced and solved’ any challenge a client can throw our way, we deliver 10 days before due-date. Everytime.

@Buggz79 call this Integrity. @Mmuendo calls it ‘a perfect balance between relations and delivery’, @mbuguanjihia calls it ‘leaving the client speechless’. I call it “kuwa mnoma”.

This is what I will do in 2012. Are you with me?

Back to code.

Wazi.

Noise, is all I hear

Ok. Ok. Sawa. Nimekubali. I will talk about them today basi. Relax kwanza I tuliza this massive erection ndio my literary blood i-flow vipoa. Siwezi type fast nikiwa nime-steady.

Nice. Jimti jimelala.

Last week I talked about the 5 most common types of tweeps in Kenya. My Gawd! Sijui niache kuongea juu ya technology nianze muchene pia, ama? Hits 23k from 1700+ people reading the post. In one day. All I could say, was, thank you.

So, since one bite is never enough, how about tuendelee na the other 5. Sikutaka kutaja some tweep-types since sipendi kujamisha wasee. So leo nita-mention the other 5. Ok, I will just taja 4. The remaining 1 ni fyamiest.

Jana kulikuwa na Ball kali. Team Kubwa Arsenali vs Team Kubwa-for-now, Citeh. {Warning: Man U fans should skip mpaka the Man-uSafe Section in red-Below.} You have been warned. read on at your own emotional risk.

Ofcourse, fans wa Man-Shoga Yawwwnited walikuwa in Maputo town all dressed in their nylon Jerseys, sipping one beer for hours. I thought it was only Kenya where these people are broke fulltime na kuna Jerseys za Nylon za  AIG (Arsenal Is Great) and AON (Another Oblivious Nitwit). After defeating Arsenal’s injury/suspension depleted 3rd 11 8-2 kwao at old trafford, and seeing the BEST first 11 of their cartoon-network team ass-raped 1-6 at home by citeh, they were placing bets on 10-0 or 15-0 win to City. Ohh, how oblivious these nitwits are.

The team with the better goal-keeper won. It was as simple as that. And I congratulate city. Hawakuangukia. Ohhh, No. This team is the real deal for EPL 2011/2012.

One thing that Man Urinal fans have to talk about is that Arsenal have not won anything for 6 years. I always laugh at this, given the fact that Man Urinals under The Wonderful Sir Alex Ferguson went trophyless for 8 (EIGHT) years. Only 1 out of every 13000 Man Urinals glory-hunting yappers know this. Oblivious. Most fans ni wa 2004 onwards, anyway. So you can never blame an idiot for being themselves.

Lastly, most Arsenal fans watch an Arsenal Game on a Sato and on Sunday, they are watching Tennis or F1. Moving on. Diversity baba! On Thursdays, Man U fans are still talking about Rooney venye alifunga last sato. To most, their ONLY source of joy in life ni ball. Sad.

Man-uSafe Zone

Good, Achana na Ball sasa. “Sasa, what are these 4 categories”, you ask.

Type 6 – My whole pride/being depends on Twitter

While in campus, UoN, we used to greet each other as ‘Sema fala’, to which you were expected to respond, ‘poa fala’. We knew nothing is ever that serious. Relax. Have some looseness in you. The same is assumed on twitter. More often than not, when I want someone to follow me, I tell them: “Wewe. Ni-follow ama utajua maana ya gwoko”, and the person knows it is a joke. And follows. And life goes on. And we are all happy.

But there are some few individuals. Anything that does not sound to them like ‘you are the best, tallest and you have the roundest balls’ will be responded to furioso. ‘phucks’ and ‘SOBs’ and ‘go phurqk yourselves’ will follow.

I once posted an article/blog laden with facts about such a fella. And little did I know, that kumbe nimempa kazi. At least I am contributing to the economy.For 8 months, it was all unrelenting research about the last 10 years of my life. Looking for dirt and and anything to smear. Ofcourse, the idiots found nothing. But naaah! That did not stop them. How about we cook some stories. Mention his name. get some hits.

Unless you have balls of steel and clits of diamond, avoid this type. Watakustress.

Type 7: The TL is my Diary crew.

Nimeamka. That toothbrush was so hard. Nasugua magoti. Naosha thighs sasa. Ohh yes, feels so good, smooth and wet. Navaa nguo polepole. Now closing my house. Nimeingia Matt. Dere leo anasmell chlorine. Karao anataka hongo. Nimefika job. Omg I am late. The dude/mamsilla in the next office ana ninii poa. Njaa nayo!! Lunchtime! Nimekula nimeshiba. Acheni niende choo. He! Nimemaliza manze na nahisi nimekonda ghafla. 4 haifiki leo! 4 Imefika! Acha niende home! Nimefika home! Hakuna stima! Fuck! Manzi yangu ananyesha. Fuck! Boyie wangu ako down ki-bed kama IT Skills za graduates wa Strath. Naingia bed sasa! Mattress so hard utadhani elbow ya rooney. Kuna baridi!! Insomnia! I need a life.

Come on. Really?

Type 8: Arsenal/Manchester ni mama yangu

Ok. Sitaongea juu ya Man U. Najua nina mafans huko pia. But I will talk about these tweeps that login only on Tuesday nights and Saturdays (Editor: Ok, Salim Ongeza thursday baba. Kuna teams zinacheza Europa). Ball ndiyo life. Handles zao ni za football team/player name. Kama ni wa Man U, the only thing wanajua ni 8-2. Kama ni wa Arsenali, the only thing wanajua ni 1-6 at home. Kama ni Liverpool, ofcourse, hawajui any.

These tweets are the most re-tweeted disses and insults. Things from hamjashinda 1-trophy-in-6-years to The Mighty Arsenal fans to “mnasupport team haina mwafrika, hata sweeper ama cook, na mnajiita independent” to the fans of the Great Man U.

Type 9: Guru wa Kuanzisha TT

I once heard someone describe herself as a habitual TT starter. Someone who is the FIRST to start a trend like, #ujingaNi or #GoteaHioRisto #justToConfuseMyEnemies. Ofcourse, only one out of every 1000 attempts work, and so, the self-unemployed lot of us at iHub can never be seen doing this, but there are quite a few fellas who have perfected the art.

These fellas have the correct amount and types of wollowers and fall in the category that Malcolm Gladwell refers to as ‘The Mavens’ in The Tipping Point. There are not necessarily the cleverest, etc, but these fellas are influential and anything they start is like a wildfire. Brands should hire them. Politicians WILL hire them in 2012 to their benefits.

Back to Fun. No code leo.

Wazi.

I had an exhausting but very fruitful day yesterday in terms of code-work. Finished some Javascript code and some PHP code and the few pending  SQLs for the system deployment I am doing in Mozambique. Everything worked perfect and everyone is all smiles.

More details on an Internet or a newspaper near you soon.

So, when I reached my hotel and the concierge asked me ‘how my day was’, I was about to tell her that, ‘my day was long, hard but deeply satisfying. Just like my dick’. But my manners logged on and I just smiled and lied. “Meu caminho foi ok. Apenas muitas detrabalho” (My day was ok. Just a lot of work).

And, so, it came to pass. Logged on to twitter and saw some tweets bitching about the latest MediaMadness blog-post. I don’t read the blog, but I decided to go and check. It, seems, apparently, that we can no longer write what we want in our blogs. We must all seek public approval. All blogs are read independently, but judged and discussed by the ‘experts’ on twitter.

And that brings us to today’s topic. (Unaona venye mimi mFyam foreplay? Si sasa uko ready kuingia deep into the types of tweeps?). I have used twitter for a little under one year now. I have seen enough to come up with 5 types of tweeps. Maybe the Twitter Kenyan Faggots’ channel has 2 more types, but we will talk about that later.

Type 1: Sisi ni experts na gods

These are the Kenyan gods. What they say is law. Disagree with them even on the color of water and you will be frowned upon. An outcast. Mjinga. They know everything to do with Finance, Stocks, Banking, Postinor and even pre-mature ejaculation. Some, even try to talk about Technology. Sadly.

You must re-tweet their every mention/tweet and lick their asses twice a day to remain on their good side. This group MUST be greeted every morning, late-morning, lunch-time, afternoon, evening and night. Without your goodnight tweet, they cannot sleep.

They operate in model that has come to be known as #SatchuMode. (Discl: Any resemblance of that # to any tweep handle is purely coincidental). They retweet their every mention, and retweet their every retweet. Mpaka characters ziishe. Then TwitLonger.

This is the type that is followed by 8000+ people, but only follow under 120 people.

Type 2: Twitter ni Facebook

Mostly small, emotionally unstable girls. Everytime their boyfriend cheats on them with an avocado, they will rant on twitter about how life is hard, how LOVE is hard to find and fill our TLs with ‘WHY’s and SOBs.

The second category in this type are the #NP crew. Once in a while, it is cool to share a cool video. But telling us about every-song in your Mix, is so #MKZ.

Type 3: Twitter ni ya Mama yangu

Say ONE word about them and you will face the wrath of Satan herself. This group takes all tweets and mentions personally. They are normally antagonistic and what MMK would describe as ‘attention whores’.

Type 4: Twitter ni Mama Yangu

Long time ago when we were still human, we would run to mamma and cry our little hearts out when things went wrong. Nowadays, it has all changed. ‘I know he is cheating on me’, ‘My left nipple hurts’, ‘She does not like me’. Fuck that shiite. Ever heard of TMI?

Type 5: Twitter ni KiliMangano

Ohh, don’t we all love this? That hot news presenter or celeb that you spent cans of Vaseline thinking about. She is just one tweet away. No need to ask for phone numbers any more.

I once heard someone say: “Kila mtu twitter anamangana na kila mtu twitter”. No better place for faggots to try lines on you than a TL or DM. Juu kama wewe si msee wa Man-United aka BackTackle aka Reverse-Engineering, hutamvunja. Na of-course, after 100 attempts, hawezi kosa mjinga ataweza ku-convinciwa kuwa Maandazi ni Keki.

“Salim, DM, in most cases, ni short for ‘Dinya Mtu’”, she said. I rested my case. Tukaenda out. Nikaenda in.

Back to code.

Wazi.