Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

And so it came to be. I could not take it anymore. Stress, phone-calls, SMSes, DMs, Emails, Pokes, WallPosts.

Nikaona nitadedi.

And, so, when the opportunity to get away from everyone, and STILL do something code-related, presented itself, I took it with open-arms and open-legs. Non-Literal, ofcourse.

So, Friday morning I took a cab from home at 5am and headed to JKIA for my 745am flight. Being, KQ (Kenya Queerways), I knew the departure time was anything between 7:46 am and 11am. And they did not disappoint. The steward on duty ‘fell sick’ and they had to bring a late replacement. They cannot fly without a steward, apparently. Ama ni hostess? Sijui hata. Anyway, the female who stands at the entrance and tells you ‘Seat number 14E, Down, left.’. Ohh, what would we do without her? We would, all, probably end up in the cockpit. We can find our way to JKIA and dress up properly but we need someone to show us where to sit.

And, so we left. Reached Maputo after approximately 3.8 hours. The first thing they check is your yellow-fever documents. Then you go to immigration check if you have a VISA or go to the registration desk if not. I admired their fingerprint Login service they had. No keyboards for login. It costs USD 66 to get a Moz visa. Exactly 66 USD. They refused to serve me and my work-mate because, of-course, being me, all I had were USD 100 notes. So I had to part with USD 140 as a penalty for thinking, even for a moment, that they have change.

Mr Phil picked us from the airport and we left for the hotel. Ofcourse, we saw the Samora Machel round-about ‘grave’ and the various beautiful NEW buildings in the town.

We came to learn that there is a mine-all-you-can deal between the Moz Government and China. Chinese build ‘FREE’ buildings and roads, and can mine ALL they want from Mozambiques rich mine-fields.

Language

There are 3 documented official languages in Moz. Portuguese, Shona and Swahili. Fuck me! Swahili my foot. No one I have met (apart from our nice and ever-smiling hosts) can put together one sentence in English. You are frowned upon when you speak English. Seen as a foreigner. Here to take their money and configure their foreigner-loving females’s drive Cs.

I decided to go and see what a Night-life is like in Maputo. Apart from the Strip-joint street of Bagamoyo lane, the other place Google suggests you go to is ‘Coconut Disco’. Disco? Wtf??

So I decided to go. From my hotel to Coconut was like from Nakumatt Junction to iHub. Or from The Mall to Museum. Sawa? Kama hujaelewa that distance, hamia Nairobi. Fala. The Fare was 300 MT. MT (Meticals) is the official currency of Moz. 28 MT is USD 1. Yes. They have a VERY strong currency here. Na bado tunawacheka. 1 MT is KSHS Pie (22/7 or 3.14).

I reach the club at 10 to the utter surprise of the bouncers and management. Maputo clubbing starts at 11PM. Earliest. That is when clubs open. This must be a bloody Kenyan. They could not understand. Club saa nne ajeaje? So I had to go to some near place and play pool. These fuckers can’t play. And again, they were offended that I could imagine they were stupid enough to speak English. I was put as last in the queue.

Now you see me, Now you don’t

The cost of living in Maputo is 2.5 Times Nairobi. Kila kitu. Prices are Satanic. Entrace to the Coconut lounge was 400 MT. Fanya Hesabu. Over KSHS 1300. But once you enter, you begin to understand why. Especially if you have a ‘swagger’, like yours truly. Sitasema mengi. Usiku ikaisha.

Every single restaurant costs like Tratorria. Hata kama hawana mlango. Menus, road-signs, bar-men, waitresses, Police (eh, acha hiyo story), the concierge. Wote. No one speaks English.

I asked one pulchritudinous (and I am talking about post-cutaneous profundity here) female I had the pleasure of talking to, why this was the case. “If you come here, you MUST speak our language. We will not learn yours.” She said.

Ni hiyvo tu. Sina mengi ya Ku-add. More as I explore?

Back to code.

Wazi.