Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

I had an exhausting but very fruitful day yesterday in terms of code-work. Finished some Javascript code and some PHP code and the few pending  SQLs for the system deployment I am doing in Mozambique. Everything worked perfect and everyone is all smiles.

More details on an Internet or a newspaper near you soon.

So, when I reached my hotel and the concierge asked me ‘how my day was’, I was about to tell her that, ‘my day was long, hard but deeply satisfying. Just like my dick’. But my manners logged on and I just smiled and lied. “Meu caminho foi ok. Apenas muitas detrabalho” (My day was ok. Just a lot of work).

And, so, it came to pass. Logged on to twitter and saw some tweets bitching about the latest MediaMadness blog-post. I don’t read the blog, but I decided to go and check. It, seems, apparently, that we can no longer write what we want in our blogs. We must all seek public approval. All blogs are read independently, but judged and discussed by the ‘experts’ on twitter.

And that brings us to today’s topic. (Unaona venye mimi mFyam foreplay? Si sasa uko ready kuingia deep into the types of tweeps?). I have used twitter for a little under one year now. I have seen enough to come up with 5 types of tweeps. Maybe the Twitter Kenyan Faggots’ channel has 2 more types, but we will talk about that later.

Type 1: Sisi ni experts na gods

These are the Kenyan gods. What they say is law. Disagree with them even on the color of water and you will be frowned upon. An outcast. Mjinga. They know everything to do with Finance, Stocks, Banking, Postinor and even pre-mature ejaculation. Some, even try to talk about Technology. Sadly.

You must re-tweet their every mention/tweet and lick their asses twice a day to remain on their good side. This group MUST be greeted every morning, late-morning, lunch-time, afternoon, evening and night. Without your goodnight tweet, they cannot sleep.

They operate in model that has come to be known as #SatchuMode. (Discl: Any resemblance of that # to any tweep handle is purely coincidental). They retweet their every mention, and retweet their every retweet. Mpaka characters ziishe. Then TwitLonger.

This is the type that is followed by 8000+ people, but only follow under 120 people.

Type 2: Twitter ni Facebook

Mostly small, emotionally unstable girls. Everytime their boyfriend cheats on them with an avocado, they will rant on twitter about how life is hard, how LOVE is hard to find and fill our TLs with ‘WHY’s and SOBs.

The second category in this type are the #NP crew. Once in a while, it is cool to share a cool video. But telling us about every-song in your Mix, is so #MKZ.

Type 3: Twitter ni ya Mama yangu

Say ONE word about them and you will face the wrath of Satan herself. This group takes all tweets and mentions personally. They are normally antagonistic and what MMK would describe as ‘attention whores’.

Type 4: Twitter ni Mama Yangu

Long time ago when we were still human, we would run to mamma and cry our little hearts out when things went wrong. Nowadays, it has all changed. ‘I know he is cheating on me’, ‘My left nipple hurts’, ‘She does not like me’. Fuck that shiite. Ever heard of TMI?

Type 5: Twitter ni KiliMangano

Ohh, don’t we all love this? That hot news presenter or celeb that you spent cans of Vaseline thinking about. She is just one tweet away. No need to ask for phone numbers any more.

I once heard someone say: “Kila mtu twitter anamangana na kila mtu twitter”. No better place for faggots to try lines on you than a TL or DM. Juu kama wewe si msee wa Man-United aka BackTackle aka Reverse-Engineering, hutamvunja. Na of-course, after 100 attempts, hawezi kosa mjinga ataweza ku-convinciwa kuwa Maandazi ni Keki.

“Salim, DM, in most cases, ni short for ‘Dinya Mtu’”, she said. I rested my case. Tukaenda out. Nikaenda in.

Back to code.

Wazi.