Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

Idle... Idle... Idle...

Pool. Ball. Madem. Chess. Apart from pool ofcourse. Those are a a few of my favorite things.

Ok. I am a funny guy. I know.

Not funny queer or funny strange, but funny ‘HAHAHA.. Hapo umetuweza Salim!’.

And just like when you are a self-actualized coder, you let other people learn code and become as good as you are, because the more the merrier, when it comes to a good laugh, and someone cracks a good joke, I let them run the show.

Just let the brother/sister run the show. It helps.

I don’t add to the joke or do the Kenyan thing of ‘improving someone’s joke’, especially mbele ya madem. Ama mbele ya wasee wa Man U kama wewe ni shoga.

So, I was at Coco Jambo a few months ago with Muendo and Mugo, and some ‘funny’ Man U guy was cracking jokes about Arsenal. We were all laughing and having fun. Ofcourse, to the idiots surrounding him, they all sounded ‘kali’ and ‘unique’. But, bitch, I am on twitter and facebook. I know where Churchill and Co get their jokes. And he had joined the bandwagon. So, nikamuacha a-run the show. Until he went too far. And Idd Salim, the one, the only, had to step in.

Ilifika place aka-run out of ‘good’ Arsenal jokes. So, he said : “Jana niliuliza mtoto wangu, ‘What is 8 minus 2′.. Akasema ‘Arsenal’ … “, “HAHAAHHA, kali hiyo!! kali hiyo!!”, went the members of the sema-anything-tucheke-coz-unatununulia-beer crew. So, I interrupted the black I was about to double, stood upright, smiled and asked: “Mtoto wako?”, “Yes, my 11 year old bana!!”, he responded whilst high-fiving some hoes around him and giving his beer bottle the traditional and trademark manu-u-fan usiishe-haraka-woiyee bottle blowjob .

“He, lazima anakuwaga number last kwa class  kila term. Mbona una-waste fees kwa mjinga kama huyo. Si ungeleta hiyo pesa ununue beer ingine at least.”. I know! Lights out!! Bar-fight!! Naah. Let us just say that hiyo joke illishia hapo. Nothing is sweeter than making a throng of hoes surrounding a funny-guy laugh at the funny-guy. Na madem hawanaga adabu. Walimcheka.

Na nikarudi kwa game ya pool, despite all the sasa-angalia-umetuharibia-rave looks from his crew. Fuck him! Na hiyo stori ikaishia hapo.

Madem nao hawajuagi when to call. I was being stressed the other week with some XMPP service optimization, and in the middle of a BOSH debug-session, dame fulani ananicall na anauliza, : “Vipi Salim!! How are things today?”, to which I, obviously, respond : “My things are ok. Big, black and thick. Just like last time you saw them. Ok, maybe bigger”.

Na ati akajam! Ni nini mbaya na watu? Unauliza 1+1, na nikisema 2 unafura? “Salim, I have a boyfriend. Don’t say such things to me!”, she retorted. “Then be faithful and focus on his things, sweetie.”, I responded, politely. Simu ikakatika. Ok, acha tuseme tu ni simu ilikatika. Nikarudi code! Oh, what bliss!!

Noma buda! Nakumbuka msee alinijamisha once nikamwambia, “The next time uko na dame yako ukim-plug-n-play na kum-FTP (f*cx the p*s*y), then acheke in the middle of your debug-session, hacheki juu ya ati venye uko na only 32 MB of RAM (get it?? RAM… as in Ramming? Hehehe, fala hii). Zii. Ni hii blog alisoma na akaona joke poa. Usimjamie. Bure.”

Ok, code niko karibu kuwa mnoma, finally. Soon, I will attain Level 3.7 of 10 of a coder. My dream is to reach level 4 by July, and by the way vitu zinaenda, siko mbali. So, that makes my list of must-gets for this year:

• Beat Nahinga and Co in Chess.
• Win at least 2 pool tournaments.
• Build the I.S.I.O.L.O. *_iCluster
• Teach at least 3 people how to code in Java/PHP, properly.
• Go represent Kenya in the Pool World-cup in Blackpool in June.
• Learn to swim.
• Learn a language [Portuguese sanasana ama French as option 2].
• Be a better me.
• Add another Zero to that Bank Account.
• Bas.

Back to code.

Wazi.