The big chinese peenus, the Kenyan coder and the code

Mar 16, 2012 11 Comments by

Hard working. Going nowhere fast!!

String[] woman = {“Human Female”,”RedTube”,”Vaseline”,”Rexona”};

while (stillStupidAndAsleep){



DoTheUsual(“Shower”, “Breako”, “Jam”, “OfficeDesk”, “BragOnTwitterAboutOfficeCoffee”, “DMSomeMammaWhoThinksYoAllThat”, “Lunch”, “BitchOnTweeterWaitingForTweef”);


2 stories come to mind.

Read them with an open mind kwanza.

The chinese dude with the big peenus

Once upon a time, a chinese man was born. The doctors were astonished at how HUGE his peenus was. So big was it, that his dad named him Ding Dong So. A whole 1.2 Inches while kamelala. A humongous 1.8 Inches while fully erect.

Alla dem biatches wanted a piece of it. He was nick-named the de-virginator. No style was impossible for him. No woman was too big for him. (*acha nisitukanane*). Ahem!

So, one day he was called to Kenya to mend a pot-hole on Thika road. And then he understood why the road was named to sounds like Thicker road. After a day of hard work, he decided to get laid and was lucky to find himself a Kenyan Virgin.

To prevent potential war between Kenya and China, he warned her that she might not have enough Dick-space in her drive C for his weapon. Dame akakubali 2k. Akavua. Ding Dong So akaingia. Akakuta borehole. Dame akadhani Dong So ameingiza kichwa. Kumbe mzee ashazamisha yote. The tightest and smallest Drive C in Kenya was BIGGER than any he had mercilessly formatted in China.

Akabatiza akaitwa Dong Pyenga.

Hold that thought.

Story 2: Kwendeni! Story 2 ni morrow. It will make the blog post soo long.

Ask anyone with an IQ higher than that of a pregnant marabou stock what were the top 10 Killer Apps in Kenya in 2011, and they will name at least 3 of the following:
  • Mpesa
  • Ushahidi
  • FaceBook
  • Twitter
  • Gmail
  • PornTube

All date to 2008 and before.

And this is where we find ourselves. A pitiful state. We think we are all that, whereas we still have a looooooooong way to go. Mpesa is now a 10-year-old udder. And we are still sucking on it and acting as if it is something revolutionary. What if I burst your bubble and say that Mpesa is not actually Kenyan? Si mtajam?

What else of mass-appeal have we developed in Kenya since then? Quite alot actually. Just to name the top 3:

  • Naasing Version 1.
  • Fuck’All version 2.1
  • NotASingleThing XP

Si matusi. Ni challenge. But kama unaona ni matusi, go home and cry to mamma. Ama ita polisi.

And that is where my pain lies. Personally, I am doing something about this. Soon, with focus and discipline and peace, I will release 2 killer mass-appeal apps soon.

Ask me when sober or drunk, and I will tell you that this is what it will take to be a reknown software developer in Kenya. A game changer. A master entrepreneur. (*sasa nitaambiwa nimetukanana. As if word ‘reknown’ ni patented.*). I always tell young boys and girls, anyone with a laptop and half a brain can write SQL statements and while loops. And if this is what coding in Kenya is, then I am ashamed to be a Kenyan coder.

How about we set our aims higher:

  • Develop a system that will change the lives of at least 200, 000 Kenyans. Think! You know what to do. Do it.
  • Develop a mass-appeal system that will be used by at-least 50, 000 Kenyans at least once a week. A game. A social app. Think!
  • Develop a viral content digester that works on all/most data phones. Video, especially. Zack. Unaniskiza?

While I was in Uganda between 2004-2008, Ben described Kampala as ‘One big, fat, wide-open, wet pussy waiting to get fucked hard by someone with balls big enough.’ Forget Uganda. Fuck Uganda [Not literally. Utajimuza jimti]! It is a 5th world country. Talk about Kenya. Kenya is wet and ripe. But we are still daraing her kwa magoti. Badala ya kuzamisha mti.

Nishasema. Skiza kama unaweza. Swali ni, ni nani atammanga huyu mamsilla wa faao. Wewe ama beste yako?

Back to code.


Coding, Personal, Startups

About the author

Coder, hacker, inventor, pool guru.

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