How to traverse the ‘Great wall of vaChina’

If no one is talking to ME, no one will talk to HER!

Hii blogpost ni ya maboyz pekee. Madem endeni mkasome ‘Dear Dorcas’ for today.

Haiya.

You have been warned. Nisiambiwe nimetukana madem. Oooo, sijui Salim Amejoin Man-United. Ooo.. Kelele.

Vipi wasee? Mko poa kama gold medal ya #rudisha, sio? Well, me and my peeps recently coined the term ‘The great wall of vaChina‘.

This is a term describing a female or a group of females who basically cock-block. This means they hang out with hot chics and, since based on natural selection, basic logic and the Mafisiism mantra, no one still sober or semi-drunk will choose to willingly talk to them, they will make sure that neither the their hot chic friends or the fisically fit males/females will gerrit.

Identifying a vaChina attack:

Ever been to a club, you see this hot mamma. Hot body. Nice dress. She walks majestically, si kama paramecium ama dame alikubali the rumour ati ‘mti ni dawa’ last night akapewa 2 GB of proteins. No, this one is someone you immediately want to know. Deeply. Very deeply.

So, you compose yourself and use one of “Salim’s 18 ways to break ice with a super-hot mamma” #patentPending, and she smiles. you know it is on, she is taking a glass of Amarula, you order 2 bottles. You sit next to her. She smiles. Her hand is on your lap.  Everything is fine.

Then it happens. You feel a violent tap on your shoulder. You look at your shoulder and your Gucci is smudged with palm-sweat. You assume it was just a bouncer juu venye that hand was hard. So you look at the hot chic again. “This is my friend Jane”, she says, pointing at the gorilla-esque homosapien with feminine bodily features standing behind you.

“Hi Beatrice, I mean, JANE. I am Pato”, you turn and greet the friend. To you, she just CAN’T be called Jane. Ame-beat mpaka a befitting name for her is BEATrice. The hot mamma gets the joke and likes you more.

“Psssh!! Ni mimi nakaa hapo!”, the female beast growls. She looks at you with a face inundated in attitude. You are faced with an ironic dilemma. Hot chic is giving you smiles, but this ugly one mwenye huwezi manga hata na fork na gloves anakupa attitude.

Mwanamme ni effort. Mwamamke ni ku-appreciate na ku-respond to effort. But these are foreign concepts to this Zinjathropus. So you leave the seat and the bitch plants herself there. Your boys are dying of cachinnating profusely. You go back, but not before Ms Ugly orders her gang to go to another club. “Hii place ina-bore. Twendeni home/hostel/tao”.

My friend, you just suffered a ‘vaChina wall’ Attack.

Known cures for the vaChina attack:

Ofcourse, It would be unfair to just mention the problem without offering the solution. So, the question begs. How does a thug like you survive this alien attack:

Well, it depend son what you want to achieve. If you want to be a friend with the hot chic and be the man she always calls when she needs help and when her boyfriend cheats on her and when she wants to go for a movie and all that FriendZone bullshit, then just give Ms Hotty your businesscard and walk away like the pussy you are.

You are a shame to all the adherents of the Mafisiism mantra.

On the other hand, if you want to do to this mamma more things than just double-click her and leave, here is an anti-vaChina algorithm that I have always heard the masters suggest:

• ItaBeste yako : If you are with your gang, go meet the mammaz in the company of a friend who will take one for the team and vibe BEATrice while you seal the deal with the Hottie. This needs to be a friend who is super-vyby and confident. No meak feat for the weak.
• Gotea Beato : If you are solo, talk to beato first. Make her smile. Make her friends wonder. Kwani beato leo amegeuka Sharon? Ama is this hot dude blind? This is a trick from the movie ‘How to be a player’. Always, impress the gang leader, if she is the BEATrice, ama impress the BEATrice, if the hottie is the gang leader. From the Art of War, this is called Diversion.
• Have a USP – In Business, there is something called a “Unique Selling Proposition”. What do you have that the hot mamma cannot resist. If you are a kawaida guy like me, then you MUST use methods 1 and 2 above. But kama wewe ni either of the 3 below, then already uko na USP:
  • Wewe ni Celeb (Hata celeb tu wa Kenya – aka Ceremb). Madem hupenda msee ‘famous’.
  • Una doo mob kama ma-Salim fifteen. Ndio maanake buda. Doo lazima. Kusota hufanya vaChina zina-dry.
  • Uko m-hot kaa magma. Madem, especially madem wana doo mob, wanapenda wasee wa-handsome. Usiwe sura mbaya kama mimi.

Heh!

Acha niskume code baba! Baadein.

Back to code!

Wazi.