The 4 types of Kenyan girls/women to avoid

Oct 21, 2012 1 Comment by

Nakupenda, why not, not!!

In the life and times of a thug like me, you get to encounter alot of things. Meet alot of people. Go through alot of recipes as you make your daily eat.

But I know the fact that you are reading this means you don’t give a phuck about my recipes or my culinary skills. You wish I could stop wasting your time and get straight to the vibe about the quad-typed mammaz.


Ha! Shock on you. I will take my time. Beating around your bushes nShit. Teasing you. Making you want it. Bad. Real bad. Until I feel you are ready to experience the deep penetration of my unprecedented, unsurpassed and inexplicable lyrical and literary profundity. And that’s how we do it in this maafa’qa. That’s right! And if you don’t know, now you know.

Just last weekend, Jamo called me a nickname I have never been called before. He greeted me and was all like, “Niaje Landlord?”. Then he went on to explain to me and my perplexed groupie. “Nakuita ‘landlord’ juu wewe ndiye huwa na plots fulltime”.

This was a few days after he called me ‘StellaAwinja’.. Ati coz I got all the bitches. This Awinja storro made me Angry. Just because I have lotsa mamma friends, does not mean that I have Admin rights to their Drive C. Hata zingine sina hata Read-Only access. Acha mambo na Read/Write.

A dude and a chille can just be buddies. Buddies, not friends. A man is NEVER allowed to befriend a woman. #mafisiCode. True story. Buddies, Ok. FriendZone, Never ever!

And so, I decided to share my experience with the mammaz. I have met women of all shapes, sizes, colors and societal status. Women with boyfriend issues. Smokin hot mammaz loaded like a scrotum when it comes to money, but cannot get laid. “Real men are rare”, they tell me. I feel them. No pun.

So, I decided to categorize them into 4 distinct groups.

Made in vaChina – The Fakers

We all know these. Hang out at Bistro and Mercury and always dress expensively. Mostly from Eastlando and Zimmer, but the bitches will always be all like “Naishi hapa tu Kileleshwa”, as she points towards Nyayo Stadium. Ofcourse, they will be having an expensive cocktail, either bought by all they rave money she could muster, or bought by some stupid male idiot who still thinks women should be approached with “Whatchu drinking” line.

I wish one week, all men will decide to approach mammaz with a line like, “Sema mrembo. Ulimangwa when last?” or something unique like that. Woman LOVE this.

These mammaz always look hot! What #teamMafisi call ‘con-Shuma-ble’. But unless you like rice, try to keep off.

“Wait”, you say, “Salim, are you suggesting we keep off ALL hot mammaz?”. “No”, this thug here responds. “That would be irresponsible and mean”. I am merely suggesting that if a woman cannot buy her own drinks, she will not be your best buddy. She will be your pest buddy. That’s all.

The “Nishamangwa enough” crew

May the Lord have mercy on your balls if you ever are unfortunate enough to be with this type. These are normally Post-campusers or final-year chics or #kot mammas aged between 24 and 28. In their slutty days, they have been configured by masculine joysticks of all lengths, girths and resilience.

They have been  booted and rebooted all night by many merciless and experienced Sysadmins. They have been double-clicked by some random horny guy only to be left wanting as the guy rolled over after his 8 seconds of game.

The result? You will NEVER get inside her drive C. until you ‘commit’. Or until date 37. These mammaz have ‘standards’ and ‘rules’ nShit. It is such mammaz who will feed you crap about ‘getting to know you better’ and ‘taking our time’ and shiite like ‘not being ready’.

They have had enough D. And you will suffer for her past whoring and current guilt.

The “niko na chali” type

“Be selfish”. I always tell young dudes who come to me for the chic-dude game advise. Coz the mammaz will be. Selfish. Not all, but 10 of of 10 of this type are just out there to ‘chop yo monie’. Jiulize, kama dame ana  chali. Na wako serious nShiite, what is she doing on your lap, sipping cocktails from your wallet? Then akiwaka um-drop home kwa chali yake.

Be selfish or be scarce.

My deal with this type is always simple. I take you out, you take me in. Then kesho I will drop you kwa gate ya your loving boyfriend. Binary baba! Ndio maanake.

The “Nakupenda sana” crew

You  have just gone out twice and the chic ‘amekukufa’. Calls off the hook and when she decides to not call ndio mmisiane, she is texting and DMing and LOLing at all your tweets. Then calls later since haja-call for a while 12 minutes.

These possessive and trolling mammas should be avoided like the bubonic plague.

These is the ‘reverse’ version of the “Nishamangwa enough” crew. Still.. RUN!!

Ok. Sasa nimeacha stess.

Back to documentation.



About the author

Coder, hacker, inventor, pool guru.

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