The 5 types of urban Kenyan men – A mamma’s response

Oct 23, 2012 3 Comments by

“Haiya!! Kwani Salim amegeuka msee wa back-tackle? Is Salim now a reverse engineer? Mbona ana-classify men?”, you ask, perplexed. I see your fist clenched. Ok, ok. Leo acha nisitukane mashoga. Obviously. Ofcourse. This is not my work.

A female twollower, also a very good friend of mine was ‘somewhat’ annoyed by my last blog post about Kenyan mammaz. So she sent me this blog entry via email under strict instructions to post it as-is.

Here we go:

Inspired by my friend Chairman of Cat Lovers Consortium – Major General Idd Salim of #MafisiCode, This list is by no means an exhaustive summary of the 69 types of men found in Urban Kenya. Any resemblance or similarities to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“Yo! You know yah!”
‘Like Wow! Yo!’

Introducing Mr Yo-yoh! aka Mr HypeMan

Mr HypeMan comes in all shapes and sizes. He dresses and talks like he eats wakes up and bathes in MTV, cribs, E-news, Kardashes, etc. He knows about or has the latest fashion/gear/shoes/ entertainment – not coz he can afford it-but he’s gotta have it! “XBox-Squared-Round” he has it even if he doesnt know how to use it.

He is constantly “busy” connecting with people on his phone, skype, blog, ping, bbm ie. the guy who just passed wearing sagging chinos (skinny jeans), mandals, Jeezus beads. The one you want to take home to meet Mommy. Big words like “confusion” compound the HypeMan. He can NOT read a book to save a life ["I'm Soo busy"] so – any book at his digs is either there by mistake or for display purposes.

He can not see his life, beyond social connectivity.

He will have an EXCUSE or OPINION about everything- even if he doesnt know about it. He is ALWAYS right. How to SPot him:- You cant quite place the accent, n he dress like a cross betwen Wiz Khalifa, Col.Moustapha, Dj Ck, (i love hip hop).

How to tell its him: – Ask him the words or genesis of the Kenyan National anthem.., the Lords prayer, the rap he is listening to right now even..*go make urself some tea. Actually, go plant some”

Mai-Guy

He has many friends called “Chief, Boss or Mai-guy”

If dating a mama’s boy is bad enough, Mai-guy can not function with out his “Boiz” There will be no tiff, query, answer or sex-style he will have with you that he hasnt queried then reported to his boiz usually conducted in bars. SO basically everyone knows ur shit or lack of.

You met :- when his group, ran into your girls.. His boy came to chat you up for him .

How to spot him:- and his boys dress like they bought a discount-clothing store in Doobz- and are its only customers ie they were the same shit.. If one is in pink, the other is in yellow, lime, blue etc.

His Boiz girls try TOO much to be your “pals” inviting your for Sunday cook-offs, baby showers, tea in the park, spa surprises n to join their chama. You realise you’ve actually never had a date with him alone. Its always “We [the People/Crew/Boiz] are going to – ArtCaffe, Nai-vegas, Nanyuki etc”.

You know things are thick if you can NOT DIY or fantasize about him.. without his “boys” co-starring.

The Bougie/Culture Experientialist

Positions himself as the bougiest lover of arts, culture and feminism. He spill more romantic, self awareness, philosphical shit than Shakespeare, Jung n Voltaire could – his bible was written by Paulo Coelho and Deepak Chopra. This incense n mood-lighting charmer swears on the powers of herbal tea (grass’n'twigs) and has a selection of flower vases at home (coz real men love flowers).

His jazz’n'blues collection actually has more to do with movies like “Love Jones” than the actual appreciation for jazz n blues. He talks elusively about a Great Love/romance – even after ur glorious 8 seconds. There is always *sob* someone who wounded him so deeply – (40 years ago) “Its soo hard to trust again!”

How to spot this guy :-He has bougie beads,a leather bangle or necklace and wears linen pants, mandals in the wknd. He ALWAYS has more chicks on his arm than a gay stylist. (i love gay people!) How to tell its him:- Talks [glowingly] about his mum -ALOT second to how much he talks about his platonic chick friends.

How to KNOW its him:- He names his equipment. By equipment – I mean his dick and his car. He also talks to them- [arguements included]

Jay’z 99 problems was written for this guy. With an excellent sales (get-laid)-pitch-honed in the 1st half of his life – for lacking in the looks or social dept- the experientialist’s date/sexlife is REALLY based on trying n testing around for the ONE thing he cant fuck. His Mom. (or ex)

“Wow! Nice Avi” :-How it Started: -on some social networking site.

Mr App’n'Cumming

Will talk tech with as much glee’n enthusiasm as a 3yr-old playing in the mud. Which is quite cute. For the first 3 dates. He sees things in code and matrix kinda numbers. He has an app for everything-only trusting directions if they came with longtitudinal/latitude degrees. So if GPS, Google-maps or SatNav can’t locate your G-spot……….

He can NOT have a conversation without some of these words: “statistically, probability, improvability, enhance-ability, pilot, scalability, returns, risks, investment, execution, performance, exit, strategy, measureability etc” everything is seen in terms of numbers, possibilities..

App’n'Cumming would rather propose ANYDAY than answer “What 3 non-electrical/technical/info/data things would you take if you were stranded on an island?”

How to spot this guy:- Usually colour-blind, he plays safe with fashion (khakis/jeans tshirts n snickers).

How to Tell its him:- He’s usually hunched over a desk,bonnet, bench, ironboard etc – typing furiously behind a laptop muttering to himself while juggling phone in other hand.

As much as this guy may be adorable,(girls like things that ignore them) and is great at problem solving..you are not in his “Top 100 List BEFORE I become the next Steve Jobs/ Dangote/ Carlos Helu”

However.. for buddies-this option is GREAT! He’s all about “measuring n scalability” – so you get a MAXIMUM workout at the times scheduled for this activity.. which in terms of priority mean 6am -7.30am and close of day (his) 10.30pm-12am.

And last but not least.

Mr Sensitive Guy

Fine, granted,right now-flashing your “Im a Poet” card drops mo kuchie than Smirnof Black ice. Power to you -its been a long time cumming! Its finally cool n sexy to be a poet/writer/author. BUT keep ur balls..mayne.

We all have that friend.. (who shall remain nameless.. or 2 actually).. who after every relationship -ie short coffee-date.. takes to the TL after 10.45pm poetically pondering the pious, purity and illusiveness of yet another-potential muse. Our friend does this all night.If you think “Phew! I missed the torrent” does the equivalent of hi-fiving himself.. by retweeting their tweets on prime-time the next day.

How to tell:- He is a very popular guy during the week yet His follower rate on FB or Twirrah ALWAYS drops by half every weekend.

How to SPOT him: -He is the one MaiGuy leaves to watch over drinks as he guards Mr HypeMan’s Manbag when all the guys go pitching.

By dint of being in so many friendzones he potentially has the best advice and probably the best moves but tucks in his shirt too well, buttons his shirt right up, thinks Nivea for men doubles up as cologne.. ie lacks abit of attitude

And there you have it.

Back to research

By MumBi Mungai

Personal

About the author

Coder, hacker, inventor, pool guru.

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