Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

Enough. Let's get paid!

Heh! Ni kunasty. Feelings nazo. Emotions nazo.

Last week I tweeted that I had finally managed to get time off my busy schedule and get me a driving license, and MY GOD!! It proved to be a thorn in a lot of people’s flesh.

“People have been driving for ages! Don’t boast to us”, one male retorted in a comment on my blog post. ‘Boast’? I wondered.

But this was just an estate dog barking.

So I went on with my biz.

I had a hard-on for a German machine, but, as advised by @Kaboro , @afrowave and my other close peeps and well-wishers, I decided to get a small, cheap car to spruce my driving skills first. Small enough, but beastly enough to make the Vitz, ISTs and other Kindergarten cars cry as I pass them. So I tweeted this. “Just got me a 5-Speed 1989 Starlet GT Turbo. Happy days”, My Gawd!! Enter the trolls, the eHaters and TwHaters. “Gari ya watoto wa Campus.”, “Hahahah!! Hauna doo”, etc.

Such bitter sons of biatchez. I wanted to confess to the probably-matt-using, sad, little goat-fucker that my 2 weeks’ pay is enough to  pay him and his family for a year to just sit at home and play with their nipples all day. But nitaambiwa najiringa. They will say Salim is full of pride and is a show-off. So I let them be.

So, I wake up at 8:13am today, and felt like tweeting : “I am awake and well, Praise be to Allah!”. But immediately, I knew THAT would offend someone. TeamFickle. “What do you mean waking up? So what? People have been waking up all their lives. And do you think you are the first one to praise Allah!”, was my premonition. So I stopped tweeting the thought.

Can’t we just share our little successes? Can’t we all just be happy for each other? Can’t we all just get along? We cant? Well go phuck a tree. You are the reason you are bitter with yourself. Not me, loser!

Wow! Explosive start of this blogpost, huh? I know. I am GOOD at foreplay. Twende kazi.

In March 18 2010, I blogged about 10 opportunities that were there, agape, for people who wanted to make alot of money in code. 75%-80% of the potential was locked on MobileMoney and PRSP interactions. So, I went all bonkers when Safaricom classified me, my blog, my left nut and my cat as “IT Security risks”. Salim and any associated people were blocked for over 18 months from using ANY Safaricom services.

Luckily, In came Bob and a team of more receptive people. The embargoes were lifted. History. We finally have the connections that were required to enable the Kenyan techies develop and INSTANTLY-on-upload, earn from the 10 systems.

This drive and need to see people succeed and EARN from code was part of the 8 reasons that the Head of Innovation job at Safaricom was so strategic for me. To act as the door-opener to all the coders I see with super systems but no way to monetize, because Safaricom are, despite all the efforts from NW and BC, still Safaricom. The biggest, roundest and hardest nipples in town. Inundated in hubris. But I did not have a University degree. Down the drain, it all went. Sad.

The opportunities have withered. Some adulterated and killed due to poor execution by copy-cats. What we call the IT-journeymen. The  tire-kickers. The nina-system-kali-inatwa-HelloWorld crew. Massive, colorful, expensive and well-covered media launches for mediocre products. Spoils the name of the Kenyan IT potential. People with money and capacity but not the focus or knowledge or patience to execute the master-plan. People who think code ni mkate. You know worramtaokinabout!

1 – Harnessing XMPP – Human-to-computer communication. No one in Kenya seems interested in this. How humans can ask a computer bot, via chat, about real-time data. Takes you beyond search. You don’t look for information. Information finds you. Behavioral analysis algorithms make sure only relevant information comes to you. Dollar rate? NSE Share price. Sale and buy Order to a stockbroker server with order confirmation support? Symptoms for a disease? Closest clubs and bars? I am going to showcase this in the IgniteHackathon this weekend. We have smartphones. We have a local loop. You have No excuses.

2 – MPG – Mention Ma3Racer. Then shut up. Because that is all there is available as far as games from Kenya are concerned. Multi-Player Games are there for the taking. Human vs human over the KIXP local loop? Over WaziWiFi? Over iHub Wifi? 5 bob per week per player. Bragging rights and monthly prizes per winner. What’s there to stop at least 20, 000 of the 200k+ Kenyans with Smart phones playing your game and paying you daily? Wait. It is you, dummy!! You have not developed/finished the game.

3 – UGC – Last week when I met NW of Safaricom, he was super-excited about the KulaHappy service. How much traffic it was pulling and the traction it was getting. My lectures and blog posts about the potential of local User-Generated Content sasa zimekuwa kama wimbo. If Ogopa DJ and/or homeboyz were serious and stopped depending on the foreign and un-monetizable youtube, they have enough content to make a killing off data, ads and subscriptions.

4 – Kenyan Social Network – Well, again. Figures. at least 38% of Safaricom Subscribers are Data-enabled. That is at least 7.6 M. Again, Facebook has only 1.7M users. 6M Kenyans CAN use facebook if they wanted, but choose not to. Less than 50k users on twitter (give or take). What do you have to offer these Kenyans that the foreign social networks cannot? Think. The Kenyans are waiting. Sembuse had 246, 031 people before we closed it due to the embargoes above. Then, Facebook had just over 580, 000 users. Tulikuwa bumper. Potential iko.

5 – Hacking and Security – *looks left, right, re-checks firewall*. Now, I will not speak about the story I heard about these hackers who used to go to The Mug in prestige and steal digital Airtime Vouchers from that bookstore there, on the ground-floor over their insecure Wi-Fi. I will not. I will not speak about the NgongRoad Hackers who listen to VOIP calls doe to poor Voip security.

I will, also, not speak about these guys who once came to see me at iHub claiming they know people high up in Safaricom and that they could make me millions if I showed them the Mpesa Exploits I had spoken about in 2010, in the old version of Mpesa (decommissioned and replaced with a robust and more secure one).

The potential is there. having an inquisitive mind, Forming a legal entity, getting certification from CEH and the like and then being true to the client’s interest are the only requirements.

Heh! Acha nimalizie hapo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Garbage + garbage

This is one of those ‘perspective’ blog posts. And when I write such, I always advice the average ‘fragile ego’ I-am-a-celeb-in-a-certain-village-somewhere-so-dont-play-with-me Kenyans to ward off. Go to TechnoVillage and read about an outsider’s view of iHub.

Or go to xvideos.com. They are hiring people to classify their porn collection.

Oh, you are still reading this. So let’s get down. Or in.

Deep.

Kenya is number 2 in Africa in the number of tweets. Only 2nd from South Africa. YAAAAAY!! We are the best in the third world country. Yess!! We are so intelligent and engaging! Yaaaay!! We are the BEST among the mediocres!! Kenya!! The BBBEEEEST!! Yessss!!

Yeah. Compared to small 5th-world countries like Uganda, Tanzania and Somalia. The big Chinese Peenus comes to mind once again.

When I was learning how to program in the Assembly language (before I paused it to be continued later mfuko ikifura), one of the most memorable sentences was : “People who know very little sound like geniuses to people who know less or nothing; but sound like complete fools to people who know alot.”

So, why is Salim complaining now? Can’t we just be happy that Kenya is finally in the map?

We have fibre. And what have we accomplished since? 1.7 Million facebook users from 700k before the Fibre. Number 2 on twitter from obscurity. What else, let me see, not a fuckin thing.

I would be happy to be number 19 in Africa, with positive tweets about life and money and spiritualism, than number 2 with dementia-inducing tweets by chronic cranial rectitis mindsets. Relax. usijam yet. bado hata sijaanza.

What are the most discussed items in the Kenyan Tweetosphere?

• Whole days contributing to and re-tweeting useless Trending Topics and HashTags [#ujingaNi #alaiScream #ChieftKariukiTweets]

• Retweets of innuendo and please-join-me tweets from faggots by people who pretend to be straight. *just for laughs*. Seems if you just put ‘Oi’, ‘LQTM’, ‘LOL’, ‘SMH’ or ‘ROR’ in any retweets, you validate the garbage it carries. Alot of #KOTS are just Kindergarten faggots. They have just not graduated yet. All the signs are there.

• Sex-sells – That shy girl you see in the office in accounts or IT is the biggest slut in twitter. Talking about her nipples and getting 4000 followers. “I am horny today” – 4,000 retweets and 1000 responses. The dude called ‘DopestChiqa’ from Zimmerman uploads a new naked female photo – 6000 followers! pap!

• TweefWhores – Back to the Fragile egos. Anything and everything is a personal insult. At the slightest provocation, a tweef is born. And guess what the team-retweet comes to life. Especially of it is a man vs a woman or a faggot.

• Ball – Nothing wrong here. Ball lazima. For some people, football is their only solace and source of joy. Man Urinals ikishinda, shida zina-SHUKA.

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

But then again, what can we do? It is a culture. We top in corruption. Crime. Just negativity..

Once again, we are the best in the world. In irrelevant stuff.

Back to code.

Wazi

Hard working. Going nowhere fast!!

String[] woman = {“Human Female”,”RedTube”,”Vaseline”,”Rexona”};

while (stillStupidAndAsleep){

WakeUpUnwillingly(at630am);

MorningGloryWith(woman);

DoTheUsual(“Shower”, “Breako”, “Jam”, “OfficeDesk”, “BragOnTwitterAboutOfficeCoffee”, “DMSomeMammaWhoThinksYoAllThat”, “Lunch”, “BitchOnTweeterWaitingForTweef”);

}

2 stories come to mind.

Read them with an open mind kwanza.

Once upon a time, a chinese man was born. The doctors were astonished at how HUGE his peenus was. So big was it, that his dad named him Ding Dong So. A whole 1.2 Inches while kamelala. A humongous 1.8 Inches while fully erect.

Alla dem biatches wanted a piece of it. He was nick-named the de-virginator. No style was impossible for him. No woman was too big for him. (*acha nisitukanane*). Ahem!

So, one day he was called to Kenya to mend a pot-hole on Thika road. And then he understood why the road was named to sounds like Thicker road. After a day of hard work, he decided to get laid and was lucky to find himself a Kenyan Virgin.

To prevent potential war between Kenya and China, he warned her that she might not have enough Dick-space in her drive C for his weapon. Dame akakubali 2k. Akavua. Ding Dong So akaingia. Akakuta borehole. Dame akadhani Dong So ameingiza kichwa. Kumbe mzee ashazamisha yote. The tightest and smallest Drive C in Kenya was BIGGER than any he had mercilessly formatted in China.

Akabatiza akaitwa Dong Pyenga.

Hold that thought.

Story 2: Kwendeni! Story 2 ni morrow. It will make the blog post soo long.

Mistakes, Mistakes, Mistakes

Well, a week of mixed results, reactions and feelings.

Finally, I managed to ‘get time’ and go do my B/C/E driving. Passed like Salim only does. Ofcourse. Obvious. Pass. I am Salim. Meaning I can finally drive my personal 5-speed GT Turbo Monster [Henrietta] or Symbiotic’s e240 [MsGerman], anytime I feel like. No more cabs. This is a MASSIVE load taken off my back. Finally legal. I used to spend over KSHS 24, 000 per month on cabs. Not anymore. Code has suffered, ofcourse. But the end will justify the means on this one.

Then came ball. Mabao za Bilbaooo. Then the Arsenal game. 1-0 down to NukeArsehole Yawwnited at the Emirates. But Arsenal, like me on your siz, finished on top. 2-1. 3rd spot now assured. Simple things.

Then came the news from Safaricom.

“Dear Applicant,

REF: APPLICATION FOR THE ROLE OF HEAD OF INNOVATION.

Thank you for your interest in the above position and for taking time to place your application for consideration as a HEAD OF INNOVATION.

We regret to inform you that you were not short listed in this instance for the position and will therefore not be taking your application further on this occasion. The minimum requirements for the role were;

Bachelors Degree in Commerce or a Technical field – Engineering or Information Technology from a recognized university;
“

No degree. No work here. Biatch.

Like 2Pac said, “Some things will never change.” All the best to all the suit-wearing, degrees-touting applicants who will get the job. Good luck working with Kenyan techies.

This does not mean that I will start hating on Safaricom and their people. No. I am not Kenyan like that. Hii ime-fail. Move on. Next one haitafail. Au vipi?

So, enough foreplay. Tuanze maneno sasa. Startup mistakes.

1 – Giving too much control

I have heard it said before. Give someone too much freedom and control over something, and they will start thinking they own it. You will soon be seen as irrelevant. Especially in a start-up, where resources are meager.

The usual human vices of greed and selfishness creep in. Long time ago, I was doing exactly this. Assuming that the other parties will handle the ‘business and the money’ and you will handle ‘technology’. Ohh, how stupid I was.

The lessons I got, especially after lectures and kuzomewa by Too, Liko, Sam and Wanjiku were: As a techie, you must :

•  Ofcourse, focus on your deliverables and not only deliver, but deliver IN time.
• Make sure all expenses are signed off by you. You MUST be a signatory to ALL accounts.
• If you are 2/3/4/5/x people, all loot MUST be shared in equal or pre-agreed ratios, after company expenses have been deducted.
• Question all financial issues. How was this money spent? How were bills A, B and C paid without my signature?
• Differentiate between company expenses and personal expenses.

Or, soon you will start developing mistrust and paranoia. We are humans. You will realize that you are walking while your partners are driving. Morale will die. Systems will get delayed. We are humans. You will start searching for side deals. We are humans.

Once coder amemua ‘fuck-it’.. ni ‘fuck-it’. Hata ukaita polisi. Coders work on psyche. Not pressure.

2 – Too much trust

This is business. Trust no one. Goes the saying. Ofcourse, some ventures are started on good-will and trust. And they thrive, as long as the trust candle keeps burning. But trust has a way of getting exploited when too much of it is applied. Things that you would normally get asked about get replaced by the ‘ni obvious atakubali’ assumption. People start thinking for you. Deciding for you. Wewe ni msoft. Until it is too late.

Also, as human nature depicts, only one’s problems are priorities. Other people’s problems are ‘shida zao’. So, in a business relationship based on trust, plus giving control, you will always find yourself getting a share of what is LEFT after all the other urgent needs have been taken care of.

3 – Procrastination

Once you reach a certain level of unoma, or just because of sheer hubris, maybe loss of professional decorum or loss of psyche, you start doing Monday’s work on Wednesday. Wednesday’s work next week. And work piles up.

I have been a victim of this. Total loss of psyche. Mpaka unasahau kuwasha laptop. Unafinya USB port badala ya power button. Waking up and wondering, “what’s the point?”. Switching off the phones and locking the doors. Movie. Fuck everyone. this is ‘me time’. Because, trust me, no body cares. 80% of the time, as a techie, you are just a vessel other people use to get to their destination.

Lesson: Maliza ya leo, leo. Acha jokes.

But sitaongea mob. Nitaambiwa nimetukanana.

Back to code.

Wazi.