Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

BBK - So much money, we turn away deposits

Well, today I am going to borrow a left from our very own immigrant from Tanzania who is known for his rants at any company, person, initiative, function, color, smell or sound. Word has it that he even has beef with his left shoe. In Uganda, they have a musician called Bobby Wine, but in Kenya, we have a Bobby Whine. Whining all the time. So, allow me to rant a-bit about Fuckin BBK.

I was having a good morning today. Woke up and finished 1 of the 3 SMS Apps I am meant to create today, finished the chapter on Application-level Preemptive multitasking in Java and had a long, warm shower. Ready to tackle the day.

My landlord still insists on a bank receipt at the payment of rent. So I cannot use the ohh-so-fuckin-cool-and-convenient online interface from the secure NIC Internet Banking solution I pay so expensively for every month. I have to go to the Bank and Queue.

I decide to head to BBK Yaya early to bank the loot. I know BBK Yaya is a for the poor people that think they have money, and it is, thusly, called Premier Business Executive VIP TunaDooMob NoPoorPeople Banking. [PBEVTDMNPP Banking].

So I had the pleasure of being accompanied by the lovely and beautiful @mariegithinji, who is my neighbor to the bank since she also wanted to pay her rent.  We went in, filled in the forms and her deposit was taken. Next.. Salim.

“Are you a BBK Account holder.”, The teller asked with a sneer. I think my goatee and my white Safaricom Business shirt told the teller, ‘Huyu msee hakai ana doo’. I felt like responding with, “Err, no bitch. I bank with NIC. Why would I have a BBK Account? You have no branch on Ngong road among 15 other reasons why I wouldn’t”… But sanity got the better of me and I told her, “I don’t bank with BBK, but my Landlord is a BBK PBEVTDMNPP Account holder. I am just here to deposit. Nice hair bytheway!”.

“We cannot accept deposits. You are not a PBEVTDMNPP Account holder.”. I looked around. It is 9:13am. Only me and Marie at the Bank. There are 4 tellers, all Idle. And they cant fucking take deposits!! 21 questions came to my mind. Are they not taking from specific people?. “What options do I have”, I asked her, politely. “You pay 900 bob and we will take your deposit, or go to ANY other branch.”

Prestige branches are meant to be a fast-branch for Premier Club Members. Understood. But, I believe the main difference between Humans and Computers is that humans (most), can reason and apply common sense. You work at a bank, Banks main source of revenue is deposits. There are NO queues. There is a person here with a 8 Centimeters High bundle of crisp notes. Take the fucking money bitach!! But NO! Not a BBK. Human robots.

I demanded to speak to the manager and started banging tables and kicking chairs. Not literally of-course. The retail manager was so busy doing manicure while gossiping with a female friend. So, I had to decide. Do I go back to iHub and code ama fight these rigid structures? I chose the former.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Because we all must eat!!

There is a new business that is proving a success in recent times in Kenya. Online WhoreVertising. This is the Total loss of any ounce of Dignity to make sure you get some few losers to open your site and, hopefully, click on some Ads. Then get paid by the buggy Ad Systems we have.

Allow me to address you as an Idiot for a while. Assuming you are not. I will address you in the first-person’s perspective, my nitwit reader, so read-along.

Here is a little guide I have put up, after analyzing the master of ‘NyumaYaMonitorMimiNiMkaliKamaNacet’. You too, despite your lack of brains, can make some few coins online. It is being done now, you won’t be the first one to do it. Join the brainless faggots and make some Money!

Part 1 – Register a Domain

The good news is that among the negative effects of the Internet is that any pea-brained nitwit with the IQ of a retarded retard, like you, can register a domain. Also you now are allowed to call it ANY name, including a name with big words like Intelligent, Brain, Tech, Buzz etc and install WordPress. So, instead of a name like IamACuntAndALoserAndSoINeedToInsultEveryoneElseSoThatICanFeelGoodAboutMyself.com, you just need to register something like TechnoVillage.com or something close. All in an hour. And Bam! You are online. Hosting is allover and cheap.

Part 2 – Content

Then comes the need to eat. The Internet is slowly becoming idiot-proof. Then with the monetizing avenues like AdWords, BuzzCity and Admob comes the challenge: “How does a brainless loser like you get traffic to their site?”. Obviously, I know you cannot write anything from your own stupid brain. So do this. *drum-rolls*…

Copy-Paste things from other sites. We don’t know the Internet addresses for pages like TechCrunch, YahooNews, Reuters, Nation Etc. We rely on you. So Copy-paste from there and put these on your site. They you will have a ‘busy’ and ‘frequently updated’ site. Idiots will think you know so much! Don’t forget to Claim authorship and ownership of some of the articles. Steal photos from simple google searches and claim that you took them. Post each article under a different alter-ego username. Create an illusion of ‘We have many writers. We are big.’. Who knows, Microsoft will even term you an IT consultant.

When it comes to local content, make up numbers and facts. Make every single noble effort to make people’s life better seem like a personal attack to all Kenyans. Accuse all these bloody foreigners of coming here and ripping us off. Don’t worry if the ICT Board, Safaricom, Nokia, Symbiotic, iHub, mLab, NaiLab etc blacklist you for being a male-pussy. Blog on!! Fuck the millions you can make if you had a brain to be on the right side of the right people. Step on their toes. Your 50k per month Salo is enough.

If you are blogging about someone, claim to have met them and talked to them. Quote events you have been to recently to add credibility. It does not matter even they have never seen/met you in their lives. Do some simple google searches and claim to have got that data from ‘the person’. Write trash and sensational ‘facts’ about them. No one likes the truth. No idiot anyway.

Ocassionally, [As someone here has advised me to add],  hire some people to pose for photos doing ‘something strange’. e.g. Having sex in a Public Garden. Eating rats. Coding in VB etc. 200 bob each. Promise them fame. Don’t worry even if they are just some village losers who will look straight at the camera and not ‘fake it’ to make it look more real. Use them. Anything. Be Sensational.

Part 3 – Evangelize your site

Ok. This becomes tricky. No one googles ‘Trash about fictitious events’ or ‘Notes from an idiot’. So How do you get people to your site? You have stolen and made-up content. You have all the ‘facts’ about some significant people. What next?

Yes. Traffic. Can an Idiot like you even spell traffic. No? Ok, twendelee. Now go to Twitter. Create 8 Accounts. Go to Gmail, Yahoo and MSN. Create 5 accounts on each of the network. On each Twitter account follow different people. Rake in like 4000 follows per account. Including fellow spammers. For each of your 4-6 Stolen and Copy-Pasted articles everyday, Twit something like “Interesting Article : Facebook does this and that – TechnoVillage.com/yadda/fb_does_this_and_that/ – RT”. Idiots will rewteet. Do this for each account. It will create the impression that alot of people are reading your blog. And you get… TRAFFIC!!!

“Then, what about comments?”, you ask. You have 21 Email Accounts, Idiot! Comment from all of them. Create the impression that people actually read your stuff. Argue, insult and ‘discuss’ amongst the accounts.

In your spare time, don’t forget to insult more people. Make it one person per day. 50 paragraphs of A-lie. Don’t worry, you get Traffic. Nothing else matters. No need for networks, friends, business partners, buddies. Live alone and die Sad. Why? Coz you are a fucking nitwit.

Back to code…

Wazi.

Written on Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at 3:16pm
This is part 3 of 3 of my Facebook Notes sequel on the pain I went through before getting my passport at Nyayo House, mainly because I had Muslim Names, despite the fact that I am a Meru. [Part 1 is Here] ,  [Part 2 is Here]

At this point, I had already paid the mandatory fees, submitted my Birth Certificate, ID, PIN etc… All that was documented as mandatory documents in the application forms. I had also waited for double the 2 weeks waiting period. All I had planned to do that day was just go pick up my passport.

Ohh no! Not with the names ‘Idd Salim’, I came to learn painfully!

My grandmaz ID came and I Took it to Nyayo House. Will not venture much on what else was asked for after the ID came because I finally got the passport, but I was forced to do some things I am not particularly a fan of or proud of.

But the end justified the means. Thank you mabwana Charles and Bwana lang’at of room 8 Immigration.

After providing the documents below, I am happy to announce that I am now officially Half Kenyan!

- My ID and Photocopy
- Mbugua’s ID and Photocopy [to prove someone knows me]
- Ma Late Granny’s ID and Photocopy
- My Birth Cert and Photocopy
- My PIN
- My High School Leaving Cert dated 1997.
- My Introduction letter to Starehe from Isiolo DO and DC dated 1996.
- Extra passport processing Fee for Muslim Applicants

After an citizenship interview slotted tomorrow, I will officially be, 100%, a citizen of this lovely and blessed country! Saa hii I am tiziing National Anthem, History of the Njuri Ncheke, Geography and The Size of Migingo Island.

Sasa I can dump ‘Kimani Ochieng Chepdinyich’ na niregeshe the strange non-kenyan majinaz of ‘Idd Salim Kithinji’

God bless you all!!

Addendum

I got the passport at last and I now guard it with my life. Don’t want to go there again. I am ashamed to be a Kenyan at these times of discrimination and utter in-equality.

God bless Kenya and I hope things change for the better.

Amen!

This is part 1 of 3 of my Facebook Notes sequel on the pain I went through before getting my passport at Nyayo House, mainly because I had Muslim Names, despite the fact that I am a Meru.

At this point, I had already paid the mandatory fees, submitted my Birth Certificate, ID, PIN etc… All that was documented as mandatory documents in the application forms. I had also waited for double the 2 weeks waiting period. All I had planned to do that day was just go pick up my passport.

Ohh no! Not with the names ‘Idd Salim’, I came to lean painfully!

9:16 am
Went to outside tent and was referred to counter 14. Went to counter 14.

Attendant : ‘What are your names?’,
Me : ‘Idd Salim’
Attendant : ‘Enda Counter 13′,

Went to counter 13 with a smile. ‘YES!! Gonna get it leo!’, I thought. Met this annoyed lady in specs.

Me: ‘Habari ya asubuhi Madam’
Attendant : ‘Leta receipt na ID!’,
Me: ‘Ok.. Shika hizi hapa’
Attendant: ‘Ati Idd, Salim? Come after 3 weeks!’
Me: ‘But I was told passports are ready in 2 weeks max. And I applied 4 weeks ago!’
Attendant: ‘Next!!’

So I go back to the tent outside. Greeted the same tent lady with my usually charming smile and radiant eyes.

Me : ‘Madam, Nina complaint. I was told it will be ready in 2 weeks, na 4 weeks have passed. Sasa naambiwa nirudi after 3 weeks.’
Attendant: ‘Kama una haraka, enda ukacomplain kwa mdosi.’
Me: ‘Mdosi? Mdosi mgani?’ – I actually thought she was talking about Kibaki.
Attendant: ‘Enda room 16.’

At room 16, I met a very warm and friendly mdosi. (Funny how in Kenya, it is ONLY the small insignificant people who give you hell in all aspects of life. The wadosis are ALWAYS cool and OK.). he listened to me with empathy and checked my receipt and ID and took out a note-pad.

Mdosi : ‘Enda First floor and look for Ndambuki. Atakusaidia. Usiwe na shaka’

Went to first floor (OK, second floor then u take the back corridor fire-escape stairs to floor 1). Meet nice and smiling people willing to help all over. ‘Kwa Ndambuki ni pale’, One directed.

Kwa Ndambuki. Knock! Knock!, I greet a madam I found there. ‘I have been sent to meet Bwana Ndambuki’.
Lady :’This is his office, lakini ametoka. But I can help you. Leta receipt na ID’. She types in a URL of the Immigration System running as a JSP Web Service. ‘Url Not found!’

Lady : ‘Hii computer yangu ina shida, so let me call someone to help. Calls some extension and gets the Bad News.’:I Overhear : ‘Ati Muslim Name.? Ni suspect? Lazima Interview? OK’. She says : “Wewe enda room 8, Tafuta Bwana Lang’at”‘

Room 8. Closed. Waited outside for 20 Mins. The comes a gentleman called Lang’at.

Me : ‘Nimetumwa kwa Bwana Lang’at’
Lang’at : “Ni mimi. Karibu Kiti.” – Very warmly and in a read-to-serve mode.
Me : ‘Sasa niliapply for passport 4 weeks ago, na bado’
Lang’at : “Ehh! That is so LONG bana. Lemmi check. Hii tutamaliza leo. Usijali. We are here to serve you’. – Ohh!! what a good change in the government lingo.
Lang’at : “Ahh! Kuna shida hapa. Idd Salim. Hmmmn…”. – He refers me to the next desk.
Lang’at : “Saidia huyu Kijana. Ni Muslim, but from Meru. Mpe recommendation apate Passport. Go to his desk”

Guy 2 : ‘Ati Idd Salim. You will Never ever get a Kenyan Passport with those names’. He shows me some examples of Kenyan Names.
Josephat Njorge Mwaura, Owino Ochieng Omondi, Kimani, Wachira, Lagat, Chepdinya, Omolo.
Guy 2 : ‘Did you see any Abdi or Jamal or Salim there?’
Me : ‘So tufanyeje mzee. Mimi nataka tu passport’
Guy 2 interviews me about my parents. I am from a single-parent family and my only parent (my mum), died in 1998, December 28th.

Guy 2 : “Because of this Salim Idd names. You will never get a passport unless you bring your mum’s death certificate and birth certificate” – tears fill my eyes. Damn! I thought I was strong, but the mention of my late mum exposed the pain of losing a loved one.

Guy 2 : “Ungekuwa unaitwa Kimani ama Omondi ama other Kenyan names, Saa hii hii ningekupa passport.”

Guy 2 : “Last option, look for her National ID”…. What?????

Back @ Office

So I am googling for that ID. And unless I get it. No Passport.