Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

Kelele tu. Kelele. Ignore the Noise

It is a funny little world that we live in. Funny as f*ck, and sad at the same time.

For every 2 people who tell you ‘keep going’ and ‘never give up’, there are 13 more convincing people that tell you ‘hauwesmek’, ‘you are not good enough’, ‘it is impossible to do it’.

What makes it worse, is that the norm does not change. C and D students still interview, employ and manage A and B+ students.

So systems and policies come with D-level specs and schematics and the A-students are forced to shed-off their awesomeness so as to relate to the low-IQ specs and, soon, unless they get out, they become mediocre laborers.

As if this is not insulting enough to basic human intelligence, we now have C- and D people who have never done ANYTHING worth writing home about or typing online about, stand infront of men and women and DARE to CRITICIZE and JUDGE the independent A-grade hustlers of this small town. Just because they are ‘clever enough’ to open a twitter account and can type a WHOLE 140 characters in 80% correct English.

A month ago, I had a TL issue with Media Madness asking them to name a person who, they said, had DM’ed them stating that Moses Kemibaro was a collasal failure. Now, either I did not understand what failure was, or maybe I am too blinded by code and the DIY code of ethics to know when to stop, but I take anyone who wakes up and goes about their own hustle and is self-employed or self-unemployed more of a success, than a f*cking dispensable employee at ANY company in Kenya, sitting in-front of a company-owned PC and calling the hustlers, losers/failures.

Now, isisemekane Salim sasa ametukana employees. We all cannot be career people. Some of us were created to WORK our entire lives for other people and the VERY thought of quitting and becoming your own bosses is as scary as the offer for free castration. That is what you are. that is why people can afford to be on twitter and FB the whole day, still get paid, but at the back of their mind… when they sleep.. the WHAT IF creeps in. Ukivutwa job itakuwaje?

This year will be quite an interesting year. For me. First off, because I will no longer be a member of the iHub/NaiLab/mLab community. I waited till the last minute to re-apply for iHub Membership, and as Murphy’s law might have it, the connection acted up and my application was ‘never received’. So, my access was rescinded and all my privileges transmogrified. It seems “Made in Jammu” will be what I will slap on the ‘credits’ section of all my apps planned for this year.

Secondly, everything has finally come of age. The tipping point is here. The 10, 000 hours have been worked and toiled. Safaricom finally opened up all our connections. Mpesa, CSP etc. CCK Wame-behave. MCSK ndio hao pia. We finally now are our own. We will no longer need to take odd-jobs to stay afloat. We finally have the green-light to do OUR THING. Our Systems. Our CORE business. Thanks BC, EK, MM, AO and Nzioks.

And so, what needs to be done, you ask.

The list below is my list of my hustlemode modus operandi. It is, in no way, meant to convince or influence what anyone should do for 2012. I am just sharing what my experience has taught me.

IT contests/Developer contests

My personal (As in IddSalim’s only) opinion? Just a waste of time. And this is my opinion. Even my cat has no part in this. Hata sijaconsult my watchman before typing this. I might be wrong, but I see a 2-pronged failure in this setup.

1 – Ni kama KCSE. We used to cram to PASS the exams. Not to UNDERSTAND the contents and get educated. In the developer contents, apps are created to WIN the contest. Not to be sustainable. After the developers win the money, get a few TV interviews and appear on a newspaper or 2, that is it! System kwisha. twendeni Mombasa sasa. Nikiendelea nitaambiwa, ohh, nimetukanana, ohh, sipendani.

2 – The contests are not for the DEVS. The are for the brands.

It is better spending 2 months of your time improving a core product you believe will work and get you traction and coins, than to shoot in the dark for a quickie. That said, IF you have time and the required skillsets, go for it. But never let the fact that you are coding for a contest affact your bottom-line. Sawa?

Grants and Investors

Every year. Same winners. So, why bother? Why try to kiss a lesbian? Again, this is my opinion. Even my cat has no part in this. Hata sijaconsult my watchman before typing this. I might be wrong.

I will not go all gutter-pressy and say that the winners were already pre-determined, but let me say that if you, a USD 200 start-up with a VERY promising app applies for a grant in Kenya, then a Million Dollar company applied, also, THEY will get the funding. Not you. F*ck you and all your bright ideas. Why?

• People without money cannot be trusted with money.
• Success is seen to breeds more success.
• No track-record works against you.

Ironic, isn’t it? You would think these funds were availed to help START-UPS.

Then again, I might be wrong. Na ni Salim amesema. Si wasee wote wa Arsenal.

Wewe unda system yako, isimame poa kama mti (as in tree, acha stori mob) then wasee watakamu na doo. Usisake. Doo ni kama dame. Ukisaka, inaringa na inahepa. Ukiilenga, inajipa.

Doing ‘Your own’ setups

Please don’t do this. You are a start-up, you don’t have all the money in the world. Ama the skillsets. Etc. Partner with solution providers.

• If you need hosting, don’t buy/setup your own Servers. Get a Safcom Cloud. Usianzishe yako.
• If your system requires outgoing bulk SMS, open an account at www.tumasms.com. Usianzishe yako.
• If you need to support Mpesa/CC etc in your App, talk to Moca or PesaPal. Usianzishe yako.
• If you need to be able to have redundant MySQL/Apache instances, talk to Symbiotic. Usianzishe yako.

Vitu simple-simple, na we will make 2012 the stress-free year that we all finally achieve unprecedented mkwanjalization. Na hauko employed. Au sio?

Ni hayo tu mayabuz na waroro.

Back to code.

Wazi.

You decide. The rest is noise.

And here we are, little boys and littler gals. Big boys and big gals. My friends and friendettes. My haters and haterettes. My wannabes and wannabettes.

7 days to end of 2011. My personal success-rate is 45%.

For every 10 things I was involved in, 4 failed. 3 worked 100% and the other 3 are either ongoing or postponed, but not failed.

In each failure, each disappointment, each postponement, I made sure I got a lesson from it. Ofcourse, I could be all Kenyan and be like “Mungu hanipendi” or “Hii no sababu ya Arsenal” or “This happens to everyone” or ‘These deals ni za watu wana connections” or “Ni hawa clients washenzi sana” or any of the 72 commonly-used Kenyan excuses for failing. Alternatively, I could ask myself : “Where did I fail?”. And it is in this question that I found the best answers.

Accepting responsibility. The project failed because of ME. My laziness. My postponing. My lack of focus. Not the delayed payment. Not Safaricom. Not power. Not lack of hot water in the shower. Not that mosquito. Me. And that brings us to lesson 1.

Blame yourself {“always” | “most of the time”}

Always. This will make you push yourself further. Make sure your work is done. And a huge chuck of theirs. I found myself in a project where we were 8 people, working in 3 teams. My team had 2 people. We made sure our work was done. But had nothing to show, still, because our chunk was 40% of the project.

What to do? Wait for teams B and C to finish, lazily and un-interested like they were, or do THEIR part for the common good. We chose the later. We did work for A, B and C. Project worked like a charm. Teams B and C were praised and paid for their part. Me and my team-mate just smiled. But the project was delivered. That is what mattered.

It is easy to say, “tumemaliza part yetu, ni hao wamebaki”. Makes you feel good and fast. These other teams are the weak links. BUT to the project and the client, 40% is not 100%. The client wants 100%. Who did it is irrelevant. Internal team wrangles and delays should be hidden from the client. Blame yourself, even if you are not to blame.

Achana na ball

I remember going to Unix-Guru Kelly’s lair with my Old Dual-Core 4 GB Ram laptop. It had an Arsenal sticker next to the Keyboard. Nice and sleek. “Toa hiyo sticker Salim”, he ordered. I started thinking: “Well, this is Kelly, and I worship him as far as Unix/Linux is concerned. But who the hell does he to think he is, to tell me to remove the Arsenal sticker? My beloved Arsenal.”

“You don’t know how many deals umenyimwa, after a good demo and presentation, just because of that sticker.”, he said. I was enlightened. Arsenal si yetu. It is just a weekend hobby.

Well, call it whatever your silly brain feels like. My team, My identity. This is what/who I am. All that bullshit. But as soon as your wise/business brain wakes up, you will realize that MAYBE, just MAYBE, it was that silly football tweet on Sunday, that made your not get ONE signature on your contract.

For employed people and pussies who do  not use their real names or avis on twitter, this is not an issue. But for a brand and a hustler, it is a BIG issue. Insult Arsenal/Man U/Chelsea once and you will keep wondering why hamshindi grants, why ile contract hai-signiwi. Why kindergarten-code Company X got the deal, and you did not. It is fun to tweet and have a few followers retweet. But the ramifications are far-reaching.

Leave the Dog-fight to the Dogs

It was on a cold Saturday night. I was with Buju driving from Rongai, back to Zimmerman. I received a call from someone who Identified themselves as Robert. He stated that the Rwandese Government was hiring Hackers from Kenya to hack anti-government websites and wanted to know if I was interested. I respectfully declined.

Little did I know that I had created an enemy, by practicing my  right to say NO. The rest is history. Tweets. Blog posts. Matusi. Etc.

And you will notice. Anytime I meet a pest on twitter, arguing about ball, Mac vs PC, Gals vs Vaseline etc, I always let them win, unless we are talking FACTS and NUMBERS. Some people are programmed that once you toa ONE point, they immediately result to insults and get all personal.

I let the dogs do the dog-fight. I am too elite for that. I am Salim.

Clean up as FAST as possible. Make your plate empty.

Out of every 3 small-money and boring projects that I did, I was passed by one BIG and Lucrative project. Lucrative and rewarding in terms of money, exposure, purpose and intellectual challenge.

It is a very sad thing to look at a project, know it will take 4 days of focus to finalize, you tell the client it will take 4 weeks, and then 2 months later, there are some unfinished bits of that system. I will not get into why this happens and how to solve it. It is well talked about here.

Lesson: Give the project the respect it deserves and FINISH it. It will give you the time you need to do the others. Again, if you are GOOD enough, alot of projects will come to you. Don’t assume a project will do itself. get in there and FINISH it.

Only you can do it

This fact cannot be over-emphasized. Only you can decide whether you fail or succeed. Simple as.

I failed in my application for membership at the iHub, and so I will not be going there anymore. Ofcourse, this has pros and cons, but I believe what I will miss in on-site presence will be over-shadowed by what I will gain in productivity. This is a good thing, I think.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Noise, is all I hear

Ok. Ok. Sawa. Nimekubali. I will talk about them today basi. Relax kwanza I tuliza this massive erection ndio my literary blood i-flow vipoa. Siwezi type fast nikiwa nime-steady.

Nice. Jimti jimelala.

Last week I talked about the 5 most common types of tweeps in Kenya. My Gawd! Sijui niache kuongea juu ya technology nianze muchene pia, ama? Hits 23k from 1700+ people reading the post. In one day. All I could say, was, thank you.

So, since one bite is never enough, how about tuendelee na the other 5. Sikutaka kutaja some tweep-types since sipendi kujamisha wasee. So leo nita-mention the other 5. Ok, I will just taja 4. The remaining 1 ni fyamiest.

Jana kulikuwa na Ball kali. Team Kubwa Arsenali vs Team Kubwa-for-now, Citeh. {Warning: Man U fans should skip mpaka the Man-uSafe Section in red-Below.} You have been warned. read on at your own emotional risk.

Ofcourse, fans wa Man-Shoga Yawwwnited walikuwa in Maputo town all dressed in their nylon Jerseys, sipping one beer for hours. I thought it was only Kenya where these people are broke fulltime na kuna Jerseys za Nylon za  AIG (Arsenal Is Great) and AON (Another Oblivious Nitwit). After defeating Arsenal’s injury/suspension depleted 3rd 11 8-2 kwao at old trafford, and seeing the BEST first 11 of their cartoon-network team ass-raped 1-6 at home by citeh, they were placing bets on 10-0 or 15-0 win to City. Ohh, how oblivious these nitwits are.

The team with the better goal-keeper won. It was as simple as that. And I congratulate city. Hawakuangukia. Ohhh, No. This team is the real deal for EPL 2011/2012.

One thing that Man Urinal fans have to talk about is that Arsenal have not won anything for 6 years. I always laugh at this, given the fact that Man Urinals under The Wonderful Sir Alex Ferguson went trophyless for 8 (EIGHT) years. Only 1 out of every 13000 Man Urinals glory-hunting yappers know this. Oblivious. Most fans ni wa 2004 onwards, anyway. So you can never blame an idiot for being themselves.

Lastly, most Arsenal fans watch an Arsenal Game on a Sato and on Sunday, they are watching Tennis or F1. Moving on. Diversity baba! On Thursdays, Man U fans are still talking about Rooney venye alifunga last sato. To most, their ONLY source of joy in life ni ball. Sad.

Man-uSafe Zone

Good, Achana na Ball sasa. “Sasa, what are these 4 categories”, you ask.

Type 6 – My whole pride/being depends on Twitter

While in campus, UoN, we used to greet each other as ‘Sema fala’, to which you were expected to respond, ‘poa fala’. We knew nothing is ever that serious. Relax. Have some looseness in you. The same is assumed on twitter. More often than not, when I want someone to follow me, I tell them: “Wewe. Ni-follow ama utajua maana ya gwoko”, and the person knows it is a joke. And follows. And life goes on. And we are all happy.

But there are some few individuals. Anything that does not sound to them like ‘you are the best, tallest and you have the roundest balls’ will be responded to furioso. ‘phucks’ and ‘SOBs’ and ‘go phurqk yourselves’ will follow.

I once posted an article/blog laden with facts about such a fella. And little did I know, that kumbe nimempa kazi. At least I am contributing to the economy.For 8 months, it was all unrelenting research about the last 10 years of my life. Looking for dirt and and anything to smear. Ofcourse, the idiots found nothing. But naaah! That did not stop them. How about we cook some stories. Mention his name. get some hits.

Unless you have balls of steel and clits of diamond, avoid this type. Watakustress.

Type 7: The TL is my Diary crew.

Nimeamka. That toothbrush was so hard. Nasugua magoti. Naosha thighs sasa. Ohh yes, feels so good, smooth and wet. Navaa nguo polepole. Now closing my house. Nimeingia Matt. Dere leo anasmell chlorine. Karao anataka hongo. Nimefika job. Omg I am late. The dude/mamsilla in the next office ana ninii poa. Njaa nayo!! Lunchtime! Nimekula nimeshiba. Acheni niende choo. He! Nimemaliza manze na nahisi nimekonda ghafla. 4 haifiki leo! 4 Imefika! Acha niende home! Nimefika home! Hakuna stima! Fuck! Manzi yangu ananyesha. Fuck! Boyie wangu ako down ki-bed kama IT Skills za graduates wa Strath. Naingia bed sasa! Mattress so hard utadhani elbow ya rooney. Kuna baridi!! Insomnia! I need a life.

Come on. Really?

Type 8: Arsenal/Manchester ni mama yangu

Ok. Sitaongea juu ya Man U. Najua nina mafans huko pia. But I will talk about these tweeps that login only on Tuesday nights and Saturdays (Editor: Ok, Salim Ongeza thursday baba. Kuna teams zinacheza Europa). Ball ndiyo life. Handles zao ni za football team/player name. Kama ni wa Man U, the only thing wanajua ni 8-2. Kama ni wa Arsenali, the only thing wanajua ni 1-6 at home. Kama ni Liverpool, ofcourse, hawajui any.

These tweets are the most re-tweeted disses and insults. Things from hamjashinda 1-trophy-in-6-years to The Mighty Arsenal fans to “mnasupport team haina mwafrika, hata sweeper ama cook, na mnajiita independent” to the fans of the Great Man U.

Type 9: Guru wa Kuanzisha TT

I once heard someone describe herself as a habitual TT starter. Someone who is the FIRST to start a trend like, #ujingaNi or #GoteaHioRisto #justToConfuseMyEnemies. Ofcourse, only one out of every 1000 attempts work, and so, the self-unemployed lot of us at iHub can never be seen doing this, but there are quite a few fellas who have perfected the art.

These fellas have the correct amount and types of wollowers and fall in the category that Malcolm Gladwell refers to as ‘The Mavens’ in The Tipping Point. There are not necessarily the cleverest, etc, but these fellas are influential and anything they start is like a wildfire. Brands should hire them. Politicians WILL hire them in 2012 to their benefits.

Back to Fun. No code leo.

Wazi.