Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

All hail the master coder!!

Oh, pulchritude! Oh, pulchritude! Ohh, how thou possesseth nothing more that just sheer cutaneous profundity.

Ohh, how thy perception and effect withers when the rubber meets the road.

Ok. Ok. Sawa. Ehh! sitatumia ‘Oh’ ingine basi.

Naweza fanya maboyz fulani waanze kufikiria sabuni na kufeel homesick.

Tena naweza tumia another brobdingnagian word ilete noma. Ohh, anajiringa juu alienda stach. Ohh, anathani hatujui kutumia Google. Ohh, anajifanya anajua ngoso na ni ‘bhaite murume’. Fragile egos. Wakenya. So, acha hiyo stori iishie hapo.

As you know by now, sipendi ku-beat around the bushes. Mii huingiza tu mara once! I go in deep. I go blunt. Original content. Mkitaka kujua juu ya Facebook IPO na the Google Olga ‘Firing’, mtanunua gazeti. You did not come here to read duplicated content. That is for half-brains. So, acha leu tudiscuss minyoo, panya na maguru.

The story of the worm

We all know the story of the early bird and the worm. All factors remaining constant, the early bird catches the worm. But with all the real-world factors factored in, the early bird can only, realistically, catch the early worm. If the worm went out last night and over-sleeps, the early bird will have nothing to catch.

Hold that thought

The story of the 3 mice

The mice came up with a better story. The second mouse, that arrives late compared to the first one, is the one that gets the cheese. This is because the first mouse gets caught by the trap. And dies. Engaging the trap, and leaving the cheese lying there for a swift second mouse to cash in. But then comes a third mouse. Who waits for the greedy second mouse to get the small cheese and run with the feeling of VICTORY.

The third mouse analyzes the trap area and the store, then discovers where the small cheese was cut from. Then takes the entire loot home. Gets laid by the finest mice and praised by it’s mice peers. And lives happily and in abundance thereafter.

The Rich Coder

The fables continue. Enter the rich coder. Still a fallacy in Kenya. We are still yet to see a success story.

I am not talking of coders hired by organizations with funding to write code and get well paid. No. This is not the ultimate coder model. I am not talking about the ‘I work at Safaricom’ ama ‘I work for the UN’ type of coders. Not at all. Na nisiambiwe nimetukanana.

I am talking about the real self-made millionaires. I am talking about the One laptop, one idea, one team, one million dollars type of stories. This title is still vacant. This post is still un-taken.

Then comes the self-defensive: “What difference does it make HOW you get the scrilla, as long as you have the scrilla?”. You see, that is the type of reasoning that keeps many of us from becoming our own master. Systems have a shelf-life. A system that was THE SHIITTE in 2008 is just a good thing to look back to in 2012. The question becomes, what have you DONE OF LATE.

And that is where the pride of a coder and the opportunity to be super-paid comes in. That is how people remain relevant to the industry. Bettering yourself. Daily. Looking at the YOU of yesterday and saying: “That fool could not code.”

There is not a single Mobile App in Kenya that has been monitized. Is yours gonna be the one? If so, will it be the early bird, the second mouse, or the third? There isn’t a single IT Company that has done an IPO in Kenya (achana na ma-ISP kama AK nini nini. I am talking REAL IT), will you be the first one?

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Sema YES tena uone!!

Well, as always, I speak about my life here. My experiences. My lessons. My big losses. My small victories. My unrelenting spirit.

Kuitwa guru na maboyz. The zeal. the Zest. Kuwa impressed. Kuwa humbled. Kuwa inspired.

Falling down. Dusting myself and asking life, “Is that the BEST you’ve got?”. Kuitwa daddy na madem. Kuchapwa kiboko na Safaricom.

Kukujiwa na heavily armed hired flying squad jamaaz. Kugongwa doo mob na my boy-hood friend from Isiolo because of one of my stupid attributes/weaknesses called trust/gentleman’s agreement.

But still I rise. Kama erection. Start small. Grow big. Mpaka the trouser can’t ficha you anymore. Throbbing with pure-blood. Pulsating with ambition and psyche and dreams. All in the quest for self-betterment..

You are as good as you want to be. As bad as you let yourself be. As rich as your hunger pushes you to be. As broke as your lethargy and stupid laziness makes you. The better you get in code. The better your apps become. There are no two ways about it. Code ni kama mti. Experience breeds prowess. Practice teaches you new styles. New models. In March, you become totally embarrassed to admit that the code you are reading was made by you last November. “Ni mjinga yupi aliandika hii code?”, you wonder.

Apart from unoma, balls of steel and better management of time and resources (money etc), life has taught this thugs a few NO lessons:

No to code-change

Change from you and the client. The client rarely orders code-change. Unless you befriend them. Never befriend the client to a level that mtazoena. Ni client. Si mamako. Akanje, mpe service na system poa, na hiyo stori iishe hapo. If you find yourself picking calls and code-changes from a client every 6 hours, then the relationship is messed up. Unless they pay for EACH change. And pay well. Si lunch. Si ngata. Doo.

The second type of change is the worst. As a ‘progressive coder’ I look at better ways of writing a certain function better. Make it faster. Make it use less memory and IOs. This, and I am ashamed to admit, is another problem I have. Personally. Code iliisha Dec, but Jan bado naicheki. The client is happy and the project has been signed off as delivered and OK, but bado napeana updates.

Bad habit. Client si mamako.

No to new projects

Project one itachukua 6 weeks. You are in it like an unborn baby inside the womb.  You are 2 weeks in the project. You have already finished the tasks/milestones for week 4. Then an email/phonecall comes. “Kuna ka-job kanatakikana. Utalipwa 300k”. You gauge and see itachukua 4 weeks. Good pay, sio? 75k per week baba!! You take the project, inakuchukua 6 weeks juu ya changes mbili tatu. But imeisha. Bado tu documentation na reports kiasi tu. Kazi ya siku nne.

The client one calls. Job niaje? Phuuck!! Hata ile code thought-process ulikuwa nayo ya project one imeisha. Unaanza tena. Deadlines are not met. Client amejam. Anatuma flying squad wakukamie since they are for hire. Una-refund project 1. Lost contact. In the time taken, client 2 pia anageuka dame. Documentation na reports kadhaa bado. Na kuna vitu nne anataka zi-change. Ana PMS. See where this is going?

Uta-do what? Acha ku-play clients. Acha ku-play projects. Respect the code.

No to procrastination

“Ahhhh! Hii nitaifanya next week.” So this week ni just ku-chill. Kucheki madem na ku-tweet all day as if uko employed.

‘Next week’ inafika. Man Urinals wanalimwa sita. You can’t work juu ya stress. Your only source of joy in this life imelimwa. Time flies all week. Hauna psyche ya code. Client anajam.

Job ya leo mzee, fanya leo. Acha stori mob.

No to money from clients

I have seen this trick being used alot. I call it the kudanganya-poko trick. A client knows you are GOOD and wants to make you his/her bioatch. So anakupa doo na envelope. Kama 150k. Ndio ufanye project. Hata hamja-discuss scope etc. Unahepi. Finally umeget the dream client. Anakanja utadhani dame wa campo akigawa.

Then comes the master-stroke. Project ni demanding na ni BIGI utadhani ni ninii ya nanii. 6 months later, umeunda system unge-quote 4M for 200k per month for 6 months. Tu-handouts twa 50k per week. Si hiyo ni doo mob? Client sells your system for 10m+. “We paid you millions.” They tell you ukizusha.

Na hawajadanyanya. Wewe ndiye fala.

No to client’s dreams / partnerships

Ok. Kamoja tu basi kabla niambiwe nimetukanana.

“Manze we cannot afford to pay you the 1.2 M for 2 months that will take you to do the system, but wee unda hii system for 400k, then tutakupa 10% shares. Manze hii system itasell kama hot-cakes. Your 10% shares will be worth millions in 12 months”. Yeah. We have all heard that before. “Go phuck a tree”, is always my response.

I would rather get paid 200k leo, than 10M next week.

Unless they commit to that amount on paper. Mdomo ni ya BJ. Si ya contracts.

Ok. Sawa.

Back to code.

Wazi.

I am your best bet.

In my life and times in the Kenyan TechScene (real, tech, not tekemangumi), I have met all kinds of people. All types of naysayers and arm-chair critics. All kinds of cooks and watchmen who think they can speak intelligently about computer network security just because they have 5-year experience in handling the server room Solex keys.

But that is not the topic for this blog post. I am taking 5 minutes of your very busy lives to tell you about 5 types of people you should run away from as fast as possible, only if fleeing is not an option.

1 – The “My young brother is also a coder” crew

I have met countless members of this crew. These are people who are doing you ‘a favor’ by giving you a project. So, they expect you to accept the lowest price for the job. Instead of the 120k you ask for the job, they will want you to accept 15k and, as a bonus, baby-sit their cat for a day, just to show them how much you appreciate their kindness.

I mean, they could have given this system to their brother who is in the US and can do it in a week, but they decided to support local employment and Kazi kwa Vijana by giving you the project that you say will take 6 weeks.

2 – The “I used to code a few years back” gang

If I had a boob for every time I have heard this story, I would have my own Mount TitiManjaro. These are normally old/older people who did 14 lines of Cobol code in 1992 and some HelloWorld Pascal code in a NONAME001.pas file in 1997. Then they decided they are better cooks than coders. Now, they can stand infront of men and women and bleet, “I used to code, nikaacha. Najua Java Kiasi na C prus-prus nusu. Hata najua kuadika SQerr Statemates.”.

They will belittle every use of technology that you employ with the hope that you won’t charge alot. Or at all. #CoderSpirit. Avoid these like a plague.

3 – The “You develop it for FREE then we share on the profits” team

Ok. You know yourself. The 11+ (and counting) people who have approached me with ideas and systems. We discuss the details, discuss the workings and revenue models. Sometimes, I, Stupidly, start the project. Then the question arises, “What’s your budget for the work?”. And they look at me as if I have asked them to lick their elbow. “Salim, this is a BIG project with limitless potential. I can pay you 200k now, or give you 20% shares that will be worth millions once the system gets traction.”. Well, biatch, f**kin pay me!

I have my own dreams. Don’t involve me in yours.

Picture this. You call your landlord and tell him: “Mr Landlord. Sina rent for the next 6 months, but kuna system Noma naunda na once imeiva, then nitakulipa rent ya 5 years. Acha nikae keja for free for now.”. What will the landlord say?

4 – The “I am the genius, you are just a coder” type

This is close to the above. Only they see themselves as master thinkers and strategists. They will want you to drop all you are doing, and ‘take this golden chance join them’. Everything else makes no sense, if it is not from them.

You are just a tool to actualize their awesomeness. All you do is code. Kama si hao, your code means nothing.

Try this for a day. Take away your code, and watch all their BIG ideas turn to vapor. Just like that.

Ideas are like bar-talk about getting laid. Everyone has 1000 of them. But it is Code that changes Ideas to PRODUCTS.

5 – The “Don’t worry about money”

“Wewe chora code. Achana na stori za doo.”, they tell you. Then after work, they drop you at the Matatu stage in their BMW. You have 200 bob in the pocket. You are the coder, without who, the company/partnership will collapse. But you are a coder, right? You code for love. Not money. Clubbing ni ya idlers. Gari ni za masonko. Madem wote ni mapoko. Sio?

Don’t believe that fallacy. If you are not earning over 100k per month as a coder over 22 years, then hauko serious. Money is KEY to your peace. Your happiness. Your productivity. Get the money. I cannot overemphasize this.

Back to code.

Wazi.

Launch leo. Acha ujinga.

A few weeks ago, I talked about the high standards and expectations we give ourselves and allow society to give us. The system of rewarding success and punishing failure irrespective of factors. Where the end justifies the means and the means are never allowed to justify the end.

Well, Let me begin by telling a story about a male and a female. Then I will explain the Mantra.

I was once in a club with JC and Jose. Shooting pool as usual. And thence passed a hot mamma. By hot, I mean HOTTT. I am not talking about the average Kenyan gals who run on MS-DOS and 1 GB Ram. This chic had it all. If she were a Cyborg she MUST have been running on an over-clocked Core i7, and Ubuntu. She had all the supporting documents and a very nice, big and bouncy future behind her.

So I told Jose, who was oogling : “The worst thing you can do to a hot chic in a club is FAIL to talk to her. No female leaves home just to go sit at the counter looking hot and pretty. Every woman wants someone to talk to her and engage her in intellectual intercourse. The aim should never be to take her home. Far from it! Let that be determined by how smooth your vibe is, how drunk she gets or how cold the morning threatens to be.”

“What if she puts me off?”, He asked. “She is too hot for a guy like me.”, he said. I was disappointed.

“If you think that, then it IS true. You are as smooth, confident and hot as you let yourself be.”, I retorted.”The worst thing a woman can do is say NO or give you attitude. What else? Hawezi kupiga!!”. I was getting angry, so I decided to show Jose How it is done. “Watch this”.

The gal again passed by us and being the observer, I noticed a small bit of fluff on her hair. “Excuse me”, I said. She stopped and gave me the, what-can-you-offer look. I gave her the simba-mla-vitu look. Then stretched and took the fluff off her hair. And I said. “There. You are now perfect.”.

She smiled. “Nice cologne you got”, She said. “Well, babygal, At least I have ONE nice thing. You have at least 7 nice things. And I have only looked at you for 2 minutes.”, I said. I introduced her to my boys. And let us just say, the night went on well.

“Boys, females love originality and something DIFFERENT”, I told them.

The Mantra

Ok. Sasa tuongee biz. Achana na madem. Madem ni wasee fake? Sio? Shoga wewe! Madem ni wa wanga!

We have a sickness in Kenya. A mental one. I prefer to call it the code-test-and-test-until-every-bit-works-100% syndrome. Or in short, Ujinga. Yes, I know, I have been a victim of this. Alot.

You code a system for 6 months, do a demo and get feedback, go back and possibly redo 60% of the code again. Add 10%. Etc. Buda, system itawahi isha kweli?

Meanwhile, some non-techie idiots come along, launch a replica of your system that just has 10% of your functionality, make millions, steal all the TV and paper headlines, win awards, screw all the fine biatches while you are burning midnight oil.

“That system ni fake sana. Hata haina 1/8th of the features yangu iko nayo! Hata hawaja-implement SSL vipoa. Hawaja-optimize jQuery ama SQL cycles zao.”, you say, consoling your stupid self. I know. Been there.

And then comes the lessons

1. People will not sit there waiting for you to finish your system. Odds are that ONLY you knows what your GRAND-MASTER plan is. Give people something to play with.
2. People don’t care how good your final system will be. They will not fail to use/register for an inferior system because you are ‘Launching Soon’. Fuck that! Launch today. That is why we have ‘Beta Versions’. Gmail was in BETA for 4+ years. A period during which they got 200M+ users and BILLIONS of USDs. From a system ‘yenye haijaisha’. And there you are hoping to finish your ‘system noma’ soon?
3. Think of the hot gals you see in the club. They always go home with the ugliest, fattest, smelliest dudes. Wewe bado una-poze na Gucci kwa counter. The gals are not fake or loose. Ni wewe uko slow and shy. Try launch early next weekend. Utaamka una-smile. And your soaps will last longer.

What is better? Launch leo and fail, while you still have time and psyche, ama lunch in 2014 and still fail?

Heh!

Acha nisambiwe nimeongea mbaya.

Back to code.

Wazi!