Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

Kenyans will believe ANYTHING!

So, yesterday after coding from 9am to 10PM, I was just chilling and billing while waiting for the killing as I continue my money-machining.

I decided to watch a comedy as a warm-down. I slotted Michael McIntyre Wembley DVD and as i laughed my glutes off,  I logged to on 2go as went to the Nairobi chat room.

Normally, there are over 40+ chatters heres. Only 13 guys were there in this night. Strange. “Ohh well, they must be on the Kenya room”, I thought. I adjusted my crouch and switched to the Kenya room. 10 people in Kenya room!

Hmmmn… Why are people offline today? I wondered. Could they all have finally got hook-ups and were on “Masaa ya Kubambwa na kushikwashikwa’? All at once?

I was feeling social and all chatty. Living in a big house all by myself can be a very lonely ordeal sometimes. So I decided to call someone, whisper sweet nothings to her, then sleep. I checked my airtime on my Zain Line, and it took 2 SMSes for my credit balance to be sent to me. Too many zeros. #LotsaMoney!

My friend picked up the call. Real FEAR in her voice. ‘Salim, is that you?’, She asked. ‘No, it is the gay oogambooga boogie man from Timbuktu!’, I answered in my indian-patel-robot voice. (am very good in voices. Indian, Somali, Kamba, Alien and Robot). Clang!! She hang up! This hot mamsilla never hangs up on Salim. She knows my number and my swagger. So, I called again. She did not pick up. I sent her a sweet SMS and called. She asked me to check out Facebook.

I checked Facebook and was confused. Then I called her and I was enlightened.

“There are these guys who are calling people and if you pick up the calls, you DIE IMMEDIATELY!”, She said. “10 people have died in Ukambani already. They are also using SMS texts to kill people. The phonecalls come from a number ending with 999 or 98 and the number shows as RED on your phone. Even the MulikaMwizi black-and-greed phones phones show the numbers in red. The SMS text is yellow/purple/green on all phones.”

I scrolled through some Facebook posts and was dumbfounded by what I saw.

“Someone on Campo just received such a call!”, one stated, “It is all over Easy FM news. The INSTANT death is caused by radiation.”.

Well, I can send an SMS to your phone that will restart the phone, send an SMS that will self-destruct on a set amount of time, etc.. but COME ON!!

I decided to call random numbers. Just for the kicks. It amazed me how many people had their phones off out of the utter fear of Kifo Pap! My Guys friends (especially the gay ones) and chics either never answered the phone, or answered with real, tangible FEAR reeking out of their breath.

My Gawd! What next? The midnight nipple-nibbler phenomenon? Where a strange man appears in your bedroom in the middle of the night and starts nibbling (well I know people who will relish this), and the only way to top him is to SMS ‘noNibble’ to 6090?

Grow up people! Read a book.

Back to code.