Thus Spaketh Idd Salim

Ni kama mapenzi yamekwisha

Yes. We know. This is Kenya. Might is right and even if you can bite, you don’t stand a chance in a fight.

It does not matter what you know and what you can do. What matters is who you know and who you can do.

That is why we have a city full of muggers who can code or have a degree in Nursing and PR. Errr…Ok, I meant ‘program’.. not code.

Real coders don’t like humans anyway.

And so it came to pass. Safaricom is finally feeling the brunt. They must have really borrowed all 10 leaves from this tree.

Once upon a time (in 2002-2003), Safaricom came to the Market and met Zain (in campus, hot and called KenCell then). KenCell was termed as a network for the rich. Per minute billing and all. KSHS 28 per minute.

Safaricom came in and flashed her thighs and sumptuous cleavage with Per Second Billing and the peculiar Kenyans jumped on her like flies on a carcass. Like they say, the rest is history.

Delusions of Grandeur

Now, 8 years later, Safaricom our once-faithful lover and mother of a few of our adopted/plagiarized kids like Sambaza, Mpesa, WhoCalled, Mkesho etc, has started to act as if on Menopause. She is suddenly feeling too big and too hot for the small person and we no longer go home. We, nowadays, sleep at the office and pass by Mrs Zain’s place on our way home, if we get back home. Home is no longer the abode.

Why has our relationship become so bad, Dr Marriage Counselor asks. Well here is how, DrMC.

Abusive Relationships and Rip-Offs

DrMC, When I have money on Mpesa, and I use it to buy airtime, that is NOT recognized as legit airtime. I never get the 50% top-up bonuses, Internet bundle discounts etc that I might get on promos when I use a scratchcard. It is as if airtime via MPESA is NOT my money.

Too Scandalous

DrMC, she never gets enough. Today she was seen shamelessly smooching with mXit while local developers have better and more local solutions. But since when you go black, you don’t go back, when she wants to go local, she wants to rob our local developers blind using one-sided NDAs and Terms. Check yesterday’s Sunday Nation and they are being sued over stealing mKesho from another local. Karma is a b#$ch.

Forgetting the small person

DrMC, Safaricom is Safaricom because of the Bamba 10, bamba 20 and Bamba 5 airtimes. They were perceived as the network for the poor and low-spenders. Now she has gone to Westlands a few times and hanged out with ballers and she no longer values the small person. The small person now gets PUNISHED for topping up using small unites. Totally discriminative against the poor. This is even against our new constitution. Zain and YU on the other hand, welcome us all with open-arms and open-legs irrespective of our pocket size. Size does not matter to them. It is the thought that counts.

Chronically unreliable

You never know when or IF she will be at home nowadays. You might think that after the exodus of subscribers to YU and Zain, she would behave a bit since there is no network load. But Ohh no, not our beloved Safcom. She is too big and fly for that. Still we cant access customer care number, we are still treated as horny beggars when we go to their customer-service kiosks. The Mpesa system still experiences time-outs and has no up-time guarantee.

DrMC, I have had enough and thanks to my prenapse, she will get nothing once I finally sign these divorce papers. Zain and YU currently satisfy all my SMS and Call needs and even though their data-package is still wanting, I will persevere for a few months for them to get 3G.

Back to code!

Wazi.

The fibre is here. Actually it was here, the NO-fibre camp cut it, it was restored by the YES-fibre team etc… etc… And the beat goes on. I was adviced not to blog today and I am pissed off by some idiotic fellas I had an unfortunate fate of entering into a business deal with (details withheld as Google will index them). No Wonder I am slowly contemplating employment (*seriously*). BUT, the mind-boggling nature of the potential for Google  in today’s East Africa (Read: Kenya) is colossal and I hate going to bed with something colossal in my pan… errr…. my chest. So I have to get it out.

The greed to do everything, anything and everyone hard and deep has Seen Safaricom tap into only 1/10th of its population with the Internet service. Self-consoling marketers will argue that most of the Devices in Kenya are NOT Internet-ready, but you just need to  see the crazy figures on the net about device-ids of FB Pokers from Kenya and EA to see that this can’t be further from the sad truth.

Sovaya is a Local Internet company that had/has the ability to deliver this solution. Why they are not doing it City-wide is as complex as writing the Dijkstra’s Algorithm PoC code in VB, but that is where we are.

This opens up space for a serious, big, bold and service-before-profit, no-nonsense company like Google to come and show the local players (read: jokers) how it is done.

Serious and Afforfable Wifi for Business and Home use

This model would have the following (direct and indirect) benefits to google:

• Massive Direct sales for the Nexus One .
• New radio-station trivia and social experiments based on GeoCaching.
• Development of MANY and SENSIBLE Android apps for the local market – Believe me, Kenyans CAN code like crazy!
• Unprecedented Experiences like LBA, LBS, Localization based on Wifi Tower ID and GPS Location powered by GoogleMaps.
• GoogleCheckOut would oust/complement Mpesa as it would be agnostic. If Google were to get to bed with Saf, then EVERYONE would be on Mpesa. Else, Everyone, would be on GcO standalone.
• Helping local artists, farmers and small-scale vendors by leveraging platforms like KeleleMobile, MaduQa, SMSoko etc to help then sell digital content to the Masses without seeing the MNOs eat over 60% of their per-sale profits.

Google has a chance to be the darling of 120m people and has that market Space open for the Nexus and other GoogleApps.

Back to Code.